Good to go

I finally fed Mak last night. Dude was starving. He took a good solid poop this morning. He's going to be just fine.

Tough little bastard

I had to use a new vet when Mak got sick. We won't be going back.
I went to pick him up after work Tuesday and the vet was still very concerned.
He didn't know exactly what was wrong, but was very strongly leaning towards some kind of hemorraging in his gastro-intestinal tract. Well, no duh. He's shitting blood. You went to school for 8 years to tell me there's something wrong with his GI tract? Genius. Must be an Aggie.
He wanted me to take him to an emergency clinic for overnight treatment. So I asked what the overnight treatment was.
"They'll put an IV in, monitor him, and keep him off solid foods for a day or two," he says.
"Well, just leave the IV in and I can do the same thing at home," I says.
"But it just makes me nervous to know he's going home without us knowing exactly what's wrong with him."
"You just said you're pretty sure it's a GI tract problem. and the treatment for that is antibiotics, which you've already administered, an IV drip, and no food for a few days..."
"Yes."
"So leave the catheter in, give me the IV bag I just paid $60 for and let me take him home."
"But I'm worried about his mental state. He seems so depressed."
"He's a schnauzer and he's sick. That breed is super loyal and gets depressed when their owners aren't around. Bring him out to me and watch how much he perks up."

So maybe it didn't go exactly like that, but it was close. Mak came out and immediately started wagging his tail. Then I took him home and laid him down. I set up the IV and ran it all night. I set my alarm to go off every 2 hours so I could check on him.
No more vomit. No more bloody diarrhea.
He's fine. Thank the Lord.

Man down

As I was giving the new sheets a test run last night, Mak threw up. I mean BIG throw up. Right by the door. So I cleaned it up a little and put him in the kitchen.
I fell back asleep and was having an awesome dream. Something about a brown haired girl with dark black eyes....
and I was awakened by Mak wretching in the kitchen. When I turned on the light, I saw that it wasn't just puke. He'd shit in there too.
He's usually really good about holding it in, so I got a little worried. I took him for a walk and cleaned up the kitchen.
When I left for work, he was sleeping in the corner and didn't seem too bad. So I decided to leave him there and just come check on him again at lunch.
When I walked in the house at lunch time the smell was awful. He'd puked two more times and taken a nasty poop. There was blood.
He's at the vet now. I'm trying not to freak out but this could be bad. I'm worried.

Nice

The things I received for Christmas:
thermal underwear, socks, boxers, boxer briefs, and pajama pants (I actually asked for them this time)
600 count sheets (really comfortable)
Lyle Lovett - Live In TEXAS (awesome)
Tombstone (a favorite that I did not own)
Forrest Gump (same as above)
Norelco beard trimmer (needed it for the Chuck Norris manbeard I'm working on)
camouflage Dallas Cowboys hat (words don't do it justice)
one of those big luggage bags for hanging clothes (hope I need it)
Wolverine work boots (definitely needed them)
Nike softball cleats (another necessary piece of equipment)
Nike batting gloves (really nice)
fishing lures (hope I get to use them)
coffee cup warmer (I'll probably never use it)
a bag of bathroom stuff - razors, shaving gel, etc. (always good to have)
a bunch of gift cards (Academy, Wal-Mart, Old Navy, etc.)
and the best one... a new girlfriend
She's black and it looks like she's been around the block a few times, but I love her.
She's a Dell Inspiron 1200. My aunt found her at the pawn shop.
It was a good Christmas. More to come...

Livin large

I had another kickass weekend. Played poker Friday night at Al's big ass house (I lost). Checked out his fine ass wife with her big ass titties. Then watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith on his big ass widescreen plasma TV in their media room (that movie is garbage). Al's wife is hot, his bankroll is fat, and he drives a Cadillac. I'm not jealous of Al. really. not at all.

Saturday night I went to a Christmas party with the neighbors, Candace and Jose. The party was at a friend of Candace's mom's mansion in Southlake. I was the tagalong. Just someone to keep Jose company around the snooty rich folk.
The house was amazing. When we pulled up they hade a valet. A motherfuckin' valet! at a house party! Rich people...
Then we get inside the house and they have a full spread of food. BBQ, seafood, fruit, chocolate covered strawberries, dips, you name it they had it.
They also had an OPEN BAR. That's right. Free booze. they even hired a bartender.
So I mingled with the hired help and flipped through the channels on the massive big screen for a while. Bartender dude was pretty cool and he knew how to hook up a Crown and coke.
Then Jose says we should check out the rest of the house. He showed me the pool and outdoor fireplace. There were flat screens all over the place! He even knew about some secret office shit where you push the bookshelf in and a door swings open. Very fuckin' cool.
Then we headed upstairs to the gameroom and I damn near spooged in my drawers.
Not only did they have a clean ass pool table AND a shuffleboard. They had the ultimate game room accessory..... GOLDEN TEE 2005!!!!!!!!!
I only left the game room to refresh my beverage and check up on the Heisman Awards ceremony. I was that random guy that no one knew who showed up just for the free booze and entertainment. Good times.

I had extra tickets to the Cowboys game on Sunday so I invited my old college roommate and his friend to come along. We had a blast.
The game was exciting and they bought me beers to pay back for the tickets.
When the KC kicker missed the field goal at the end, I could've caught the ball. If the net hadn't been there, that is.
I think that's retarded. The NFL should take those nets down and let the fans have a cool souvenior, like in baseball.

The Case of the Missing Cock Pump

Every year around this time a group of my friends from college, fraternity brothers, and other associates gets together for a big Christmas party. We always have it at FIS's house. There's always lots of booze and [internet edit]. Everyone brings a gift and puts it under the tree. Later in the evening we draw numbers and do the whole White Elephant thing.
Some of the gifts from this year were:
a statue of a little boy that pisses out liquor. My gift. It's classy.
Poker chips. (What I ended up with)
An ATARI! ( I really wanted that one)
A T-Shirt that read "I went to the X-Mas Party and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"
A bottle of Jagermeister
A flashlight

But the craziest gift of all was the one that WhiteBoy brought. We'd been talking about it for weeks. He brought..... A COCKPUMP.
Y'know... a Swedish penis enlarger. A glass schlong extender.
It was going to be the most sought after gift at the party. Everyone could use one, right? Male or female.

However, the cockpump didn't make it to the White Elephant exchange. Someone stole it from under the tree when no one was looking.
I don't know who stole it, but it wasn't me. Honestly.
That sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!

Freed Pimp C!

It's official. Pimp C was granted parole and he should be home for Christmas.
What yall know bout them Texas boys?

Does a polar bear shit in the snow?

I have decided to devote my life to becoming a professional Texas Hold 'Em player. I've got a great poker face. I just smile all the time. No matter what. And everytime I look at my cards, I drink. No matter what. Maybe that's why I smile all the time. Or maybe it's because I have a good hand. Or maybe I'm bluffing. You just don't know.

It's 27 degrees outside and feels like 15 with the wind chill. I've heard reports of snow flurries west of here. WTF?! This is Texas.
I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it.
Give me tropical sands, warm sun, and bikini-clad women. Give me a margarita and a Corona. Extra limes.
Don't give me this ARCTIC BLAST/WINTERY MIX bullshit.
I don't care if I ever drink another drop of hot cocoa in my life.
I've asked myself this before and I'll ask it again....Why did I ever move North?

Turkey Bowl 2005

For a few years following high school graduation, a group of my friends would get together after Thanksgiving at the high school football field and play a game of tackle football. We called it Turkey Bowl. I only participated in Turkey Bowl 2000, but it was one of the more memorable games (which my team won on a long TD pass thrown by yours truly). It was pretty brutal at times but all in good fun. Eventually, the tradition began to fade.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2005. I go out with the core of this same group of friends and we meet up with many of the original Turkey Bowlers. We drink. and tell stories. and relive the memories of past games. No one is saying anything, but we're all thinking about it. It's time to bring back the tradition.
So that is how, at 2 a.m. on Thanksgiving night (technically the day after but who gives a shit), I ended up running throught dogshit, throwing passes, and delivering stiff arms to my old drinking buddies in a tiny front yard in downtown Beaumont. Drunk. as all get out. But happy. Happy as I've been in a long time.
I've said it before but and I'll say it again. I MISS PLAYING FOOTBALL.
But I'm getting too old for it now and I've got injuries that creep up on me.
I told you this story about playing football to tell you another story. This one is about baseball.
Don't worry I am going somewhere with this, it's just going to take me a minute or 3.

As much as I love football, baseball has always been my mistress. I've played the game since I was 5. I was pretty good in little league because of hitting puberty early and being bigger than the other kids. Later on they would all catch up with me and level the playing field, so to speak.
I've played on good teams, decent teams, even really shitty teams. But no matter the situation, I just love to play. It's something about the camaraderie. and the groupies. and sunflower seeds. But I need to finish this story or else it's going to be too long of a post.

So it was a bittersweet day in late May of 1998. Two weeks from graduation. Quite possibly the last organized baseball practice of my life. We were playing Orangefield the next day for a shot at the playoffs.
At the end of the day I volunteered to stick around and throw batting practice to a friend. I did this mostly because I knew it was the end of an important period in my life. And partly because he had a bitchin fuck story to tell about his new girlfriend.
If you know anything about manual batting cages you'll know that there is a certain amount of inherent risk involved in being a BP pitcher. Therefore, you have an L-shaped screen in front of the pitcher to deflect liners hit back up the middle.
What this does not account for is the possibility of a bankshot off the side posts of the batting cage. If I had the tools at hand I would draw you a picture.
Anyway that is how I caught a screaming liner, which had ricocheted off the aforementioned side post, with my nose. Squarely. And the blood did flow.
And my nose wasn't just broken. It was shattered.
2 weeks before my high school graduation. The day before my final baseball game. We lost the game to Orangefield and missed the playoffs. I sat in the dugout and damn near cried. Okay, maybe I teared up a little but that's not important.

Sidenote:
I had the most unimaginable streak of bad luck that year. 1998 was a shitty one for me.
Anyway, I got the nose fixed as best as possible and did all the cool things seniors get to do during their last week of high school with a big white cast on my face.
But I did it all in a pillfucked stupor. They gave me good Vicodin back in those days. And by this time I had come to know the difference between good pills and weak ones pretty well. Remember the scar story? It's over on the sidebar if you haven't heard that one yet. That terrible series of events occurred at the beginning of 1998.
I still have a good deal of blockage, but can usually breathe with mouth closed with little or no trouble.
However, I am very cautious about not reinjuring the snout. Usually.
Unless I've been drinking and playing football late at night. Which brings me to the conclusion of this long drawn out ramble.

Turkey Bowl 2005. About 3:15 a.m. Beaumont, Texa.
It's 4th down. My team is up by 1 touchdown. The other team has the ball. I line up over the center and blow through him. The quarterback (who is a big boy) ducks his head as I'm coming up. His head meets my nose. Explosion of blood. Tears in the eyes.
"FUCK I broke this damn thing again!!"
He goes down and I pull off my shirt to stop the bleeding. Turns out it may not be broken. But it still hurts like a sonofabitch.
But at least I got the sack and we won the game.
I remain undefeated in Turkey Bowl competition. Maybe I should just retire and go out on top.
and my nose is still hurting today.

Right back where we started from

I got drunk at the neighbor's apartment Friday night after I helped her move a bunch of furniture and shit. They got a new bedroom set. It's pimp. I'm a little jealous because all my stuff is old hand-me-down shit. I kind of like it that way though. I'd rather spend the money on a fun weekend.
Speaking of which, this weekend turned out to be pretty cool. I played a softball tournament Saturday.
Well honestly, it was more like I played one game (sober) at 10 am (won 15-0). Then went to the bar to watch Ohio State and Michigan until about 2 pm. Then played (good hard buzz) at 3 pm (lost by 4).
After that we went to the horsetrack and bet on the ponies until about 7 pm. I actually came out losing less than usual this time. I'm getting better at this gambling thing.
Then we played our last game (good and lit) at 8 pm (and lost by 2 runs).

I left my apartment a total of about 3 times Sunday, but just to walk the dog. He's been shitting a lot lately. Hope he's okay.
Cowboys won again and I'm on a 3 game win streak in my fantasy league. If I keep this up I may even make the playoffs.

In other news, the job search is officially on. I am actively pursuing other career opportunities. One such possibility exists in California, which would be a big move. Farther away from home than I've ever lived. But it's Cali. That whole OC and Laguna Beach thing kind of appeals to me. I'm sure life over there is exactly like they portray it on those shows. Isn't it?

With mustard and relish

Bad news at work. Still no news from the other company. It's 2 and I've done all I can do for the day/week. I'm catching up on blogs and sending emails to my mom. I'm housesitting for them over Thanksgiving break. Party up in here. I mean there. whatever
It's getting colder and I don't like it. Not one bit.
I'm playing softball tomorrow and watching the game Sunday. That's the only plans I've made so far.
Except chili dogs. I made a pot of chili last night and decided hot dogs was a good idea for tonight. Yeah, that's how pathetic my life has become. I'm excited about chili dogs.

How Bout them Cowboys!!!!!

Awesome comeback last night. Don't ever... ever ever ever count these Cowboys out. They showed some heart last night. Roy Williams is THE MAN.

I feel fine now. The whole food poisoning thing has passed. Think I'm going to be a semi-vegetarian for a while. Just the thought of steak makes me gag.

Still no word from the other opportunity. I'm thinking I didn't get the job. I'm disappointed but that's how these things go.
On the bright side, I've been talking to the NewGuy and he said there are much more lucrative opportunities in this field that are available for someone willing to travel and live in hotels. I love travel and living in hotels is fun. Maybe I'll pursue that in the future.
Gotta run.
GO COWBOYS!!!! I'll be at the Detroit game sitting on the first row behind the right goal post.

So why don't you kill me?

Friday night I went to the horsetrack and lost. That set the tone for the entire weekend.

Saturday night I went to a poker tournament at my friend's house. I lost again.

Let me back up though. Before leaving for the poker game I cooked two of those bacon wrapped beef filets in the oven. Being in a hurry to get out the door I didn't let them cook long enough. Big mistake.

After the poker game I felt a little rumble in my tummy. Which grew stronger. And stronger. By the time I got home I was racing upstairs.
Food poisoning is a mother fucker.
It's now noon on Sunday and I can finally keep some Gatorade and Pedialyte down. But my arms feel really weak and I ache all over.
This sucks.
Hope your weekend was better.

Guess I should update this thing

I killed a deer this weekend. It was an ugly kill. Gut shot from about 250 yards away. Stupid. I should've waited. Had to finish him off up close. I hate doing it that way but he was suffering. It was a nice little 8 point.
My cousin killed his first two deer this weekend. He was really excited.
I suck donkey balls at fantasy football.
I played softball last night for the first time in about 2 weeks. We won and I felt good but am sore this morning.
Still haven't heard anything about the new opportunity back home.

If I had a million dollars you know what I'd do, man?

Two chicks at the same time, man.

Priorities?.... check

So I'm watching the "breakout" (pun completely intended) hit of the season Prisonbreak Monday night when I realized something.
TV show writers must think I'm stupid.
If the Secret Service can intercept a phone conversation, don't you think they could intercept a text message too?
I'm seeing a lot of holes in this show but it's too late to quit watching now. We've come too far.

Also, My Name is Earl and The Office are great. NBC may have found the replacement for Friends and Seinfeld they've been missing since those shows ended.

And Rodney is awesome, but it comes on at the same time as Bones. That chick from Bones is hot. and the show's pretty good too.
You should already know how I feel about House.

Hazy Hacking Homecoming

The interview was early Thursday morning and I got lost on the way. Luckily I had left way early, so I was still right on time.
It went well. Now I just have to wait. Which sucks. I wanted to know if I got the job right away. I'm impatient.
That night we had the fire, steaks, and beers I had hoped for. The weather was perfect. I stayed up late talking to an old friend and throwing logs on the fire. We got pretty wasted and passed out in my mom's living room.

I spent most of Friday in my stepdad's recliner watching old home movies and doing laundry. Then I went to my real dad's house and ate brisket with the family. We ate birthday cake and ice cream, then I left for Nac.
I got really wasted at my old bar, Headliners, and then went to Shack. I ended up crashing out on my friends couch. Fully clothed with boots, hat, and jacket still on.

Saturday was a blur of hazy recollections. I started off at Chili's where we had about 4 Jagers and a couple of Shiners before 1:00 pm. Then we went to the tailgate party. After that, it's really foggy but I'm pretty sure I went back to Headliners and then to Sport Shack again.
The after party was at the Sig Tau house. I remember there was a really hot fairy running around. Her eyes were beautiful and I'm pretty sure I told her so a couple of times.
Last thing I remember was Taco Bell with Clay-Z. Then I passed out in the dance room.

I woke up Sunday at the Sig Tau house and decided I should haul ass to DFW. Got about 5 miles out of town before realizing that I'd left half my stuff. Turned around and ended up watching the Cowboys play (hitting their stride midseason) while nursing an increasingly horrible headache.
The drive home was one of the worst.
I developed a really nasty cough. Everytime I coughed it made my head hurt worse. I was miserable. I took lots of meds and tried to sleep it off. Key word - tried.

After a night of little sleep, I got up Monday morning and came into the office. Piles of paperwork on my desk. Huge heaping piles.
"Hey, you know we need all this taken care of by noon today right?"
No. Goddamn you all to hell. Why? Fuck.
And on top of that it rained. Hard. No softball.
Yesterday sucked. Leave it at that.
Today isn't much better, but at least I'm not feeling sick anymore. TheraFlu is magic.

I'm too old for this shit (continued...)

It's still cold down here. We played a doubleheader last night - lost the first, won the second. Running in cold weather SUCKS. It feels like I'm wearing a huge rubberband around my chest.
I went home after the games and watched Prisonbreak on my redneck TiVO (VCR). It was really good.

I'm leaving after work tomorrow (my birthday) to do the interview with the EvilEmpire company. I hope it goes well.
My mom's side of the family is having a get-together for me later that night. I only require 3 things on my birthday.
1. Steaks
2. Beers
3. Fire
If those 3 things are there I'm good. If it rains we can substitute the fire with bowling.

Saturday I'm going back to SFA for homecoming. It should be fun - tailgating, BBQ, Texas Hold 'Em, excessive drinking. You know the routine.

Like Oil and Water...

Boxers and thermal underwear do not mix.

It's cold down here, people. I hate it.
Why did I move north?

I got a big fuckin' snake, man

Last dove season I was walking through some trees, minding my own. Juggling a 12 gauge and a 12 ounce when I almost stepped on this big nasty Diamondback. I dropped the beer and raised the gun. Then it was go time.
When the dust had settled, the snake was dead and I was freakin' out.
So I called it a day and got drunk by the fire. Then we skinned the bastard and grilled it with an italian dressing marinade. It was excellent.

A very brave man

Hung like a horse(fucker)

This is waaaaaay messed up.
According to the report, "the Seattle man died of acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon."
So he wasn't pitching, he was catching. I mean, really. Whoa. Have you ever seen a horse's dong? Poor sick depraved bastard. What a way to go. [shudders]

Divine Intervention?

Apparently, someone upstairs agrees with me. Let's get it done tonight, boys.

GO 'STROS!!!!!

So Proud

The New Guy is a yankee. Other than that he's pretty cool. We're getting along okay. He sits around and surfs the internet all day like me. We talk sports and TV shows. We crack jokes and make fun of co-workers behind their backs. He's coming along just fine.
I was really impressed when he said, "I'm so bored at work. I started a blog today."
Now I'm on a mission to find it.

CURSE WORDS

ALBERT PUJOLS IS A BAD MO'FO'. LET'S WALK HIM NEXT TIME. OKAY?

A Clever Title

I made a trip home this weekend to see the folks and get a first-hand account of the damage. I was prepared to see some pretty awful things. It wasn't as bad as I'd feared.
There are tons of trees down and lots of damaged roofs. The main issue is property damage and the lack of assistance from FEMA and insurace agencies.
Monetary issues, really. Everyone I encountered had plenty to eat and enough bottled water to keep them hydrated for months. The majority of the area has electricity and a lot of schools have even reopened.
I knew everything was going to be alright when I heard they were playing high school football this weekend. To make up for lost time, the kids are playing 5 games in 2 weeks. That's got to be rough.
I ate my first MRE. Peas and pasta. Disgusting but not vomit-enducing.
My grandmother's house is still sans roofing except for a blue tarp that cost them $800 to get installed. 800 bucks to throw a tarp up and tack it down. Price gougers are the lowest form of life on the planet.
I spent the better part of Saturday with a chainsaw in my hand. We cut, hauled, and burned 3 trees at my mom's then watched the USC-Notre Dame game. Great game. Not the end result I wanted but still fun to watch.
Crockett Street (kind of like 6th street for Beaumont) reopened so we went down there Saturday night for my cousin's birthday. It was packed. Guess everyone needed to blow off some steam. I saw some old friends and tried to avoid talk of the hurricane. That was impossible. I crashed at my cousin's house and left in the morning before they were awake.
I met up with my dad's side of the family for dinner and the Cowboys game Sunday afternoon. We won ugly in OT. Then I drove home and did a lot of thinking.
I'm sort of at a crossroads right now. I have an interview scheduled for a great job in Beaumont next week. I'm not unhappy at my current job but I would really like a little more financial freedom.
I don't like the uncertainty of not knowing where I'll be in the next few months. If I get the job I'll definitely take it and move back home. It pays A LOT more than what I make now. If not, I'll stay here and continue schlepping away for my meager wages. But I'll be happy either way.

Fully Clothed and Intoxicated Thursday

It's not half-nekkid or anything but here are some pics from the wedding we threw together during Hurricane Rita.

Up top you've got the JP, the groom, his cousin, and me. I was obviously distracted. or drunk. and judging from the bottom pic it's the latter. Notice how my left eye closes up when I smile too big? That's how you know when I'm inebriated.

These are my boys. I have attended or will be attending all their weddings sometime in the future. Except the blonde. He'll probably never get married either.

Here I am walking with one of the bridesmaids, a very good friend of mine and the fiancee of the balding member of my crew (far right).

That's my lame-ass attempt at HNT. Have a good one.

Best. Weekend. Ever.

Friday night I went to the bonfire party in Midlothian. There was no fire, but plenty of food and free beer. I wasn't expecting much from the night. Just a few drinks, a couple games of ping pong, and maybe a shot of tequila or three. When we got there I learned that they were frying a turkey! and they had an electronic dartboard!
That made my night right there, but as a bonus there were also a lot of fine ladies running around the party.
I had lots of beers and several tequilas, then whooped some ass at cut-throat cricket (3 bullseyes in a row).
At the end of the night, FIS gave me a ride and I talked to his GPS system the whole way back to Arlington.
"Kit, take us home."
"Kit, where is the closest IHOP?"
"Kit, how long will it take us to get to Shiner, Texas?"

I awoke Saturday on FIS's couch, where I would spend most of the day. The crew came over and we cooked monster cheeseburgers, drank more beer, and watched Texas kicked the dogshit out of OU. It was pretty brutal.
I hung around later on that night as well. We cooked steaks and watched the Astros beat the Braves to take a 2-1 lead in the series. Then I went home and slept for about 10 hours. It was a good day.

Sunday morning I went to the American Airlines Center with SaltDog. The Mavericks were doing an autograph session from 11-12. We bought some photos, a basketball, and a Mavs flag. I ended up with an autographed Jerry Stackhouse photo, Dirk Nowitzki photo, and got my flag signed by Keith Van Horn and Derrick Armstrong. It was pretty cool to meet the Mavs, even if it was only for a second.
I took a lot of pics and when they get developed, I'll post them.
Then I met George and his new girl at Buffalo Wild Wings in Grapevine.
My Cowboys "manhandled" the Eagles, to use the words of Mr. Bledsoe. Not even a close game. I was stoked.
Meanwhile, the Astros were playing a marathon game with Atlanta that went into the 18th inning. Burke hit the walk-off homer and my team is going to St. Louis to face the Cardinals.
It was a great weekend for me and for Texas teams in general.

Fire it up

Softball has officially taken over my social life. Teammates have become my main source of social interaction. I've been introduced to a whole culture of softball junkies. They're drawing me in. I've played 9 games in the past week and had to turn down an offer to play more Saturday. My legs and my shoulder need a rest, however brief it may be. I've also got to mend some fences with relationships that've suffered from this most recent addiction.

My mood at work is generally determined now by the previous night's performance on the field.
0/4: stay out of my way. Do not make direct eye contact.
1/4: just leave me alone.
2/4: hey how's it going?
3/4: sure. no problem.
4/4: woo hoo it's great to be alive!

Speaking of ball, the Astros lost to the Braves last night. It was shaping up to be a great pitching duel - Clemens vs. Smoltz. But like Steve said, The Rocket doesn't really get warmed up until the second round or so. Stealing Game 1 in Atlanta gave the boys a good chance to wrap it up at home though, beginning with a crucial Saturday night game at Minute Maid with Oswalt starting.

I'm pretty stoked about this weekend. No softball tournaments, but LOTS of good football to watch and a bonfire.
That's right it's bonfire season again. The temperature outside is about 50 degrees and my 3rd baseman is having a housewarming party tonight. He lives out in the boonies (Midlothian), so we got a keg and some thermal underwear. It's on. I love sitting around a fire on a cold night.

Then I'll get up Saturday and go meet the rest of the crew to watch Texas finally beat OU in the Red River Shootout. The odds makers have Texas favored by 14, but I'm pretty skeptical about that. I'm saying Texas by 7 or less.
Then the Cowboys play the Eagles Sunday evening. Dallas really needs to get back on track. I think the running game has been the focus of opposing defenses this year, so the passing game should be our focus in the first half this week. Score early, score big, then set up the running game to shut down Philly in the second half.
And for crying out loud STOP T.O.!!! If that cocky bluegum showoff steps foot in any blue stars this weekend with a football in his hand... end him.
I think you know how to handle that, 31.

You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal

Rita's refugees have returned home. Order has been somewhat restored and electricity is available in much of the Southeast Texas area. Lots of money is being made by entrepeneurial (think that's the way you spell it) spirits with chainsaws, tractors and backhoes. My uncle's house was a total loss. I'm going back soon to check it all out and take pictures. I'll try to post them here.

We played really good softball in the first 3 games of the tournament this Saturday. Then everything went to shit.
Finished in 5th and had fun anyway. Drank lots of beer afterwards and harassed a skunk (Danger is my middle name).

I went to see the 40 Year Old Virgin. Absolutely hilarious film. I laughed until I cried when Steve Carrell got his chest waxed. Even though I knew what was going to happen because it was in all the previews, it was still one of the funniest things I've ever seen. To sacrifice himself for a good laugh like that bumps him WAY up my list of favorite comics. Great movie. Go see it immediately.

Cal: You're *gay* now?
David: No, I'm not gay I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think? I mean, that sounds ga- I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? and you can tell who other gay people are.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says "I love it when *balls* are in my face".
Cal: That's *gay*?

Haziz: Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.

Previews use to be one of my favorite things about going to the theater to see a movie. They use to show a few brief snippets of the film and maybe a catchphrase or two, but still leave enough of the plot unknow to actually peak my interest.
Not so much anymore.
Now they cram basically the entire plot, all the sweet crash scenes, and a few gratuitous half-nekkid shots in a 2 minute trailer. What's the point in seeing the movie if you already know what's going to happen?
Like Titanic. I knew the boat was going to sink the whole time. No big surprise there.

GO ASTROS!!!!!!!!!!!

Can Survive

The situation down home is not good. No electricity. No water. Hot. Some looting going on.
The interview was cancelled (again), so I'm taking off tonight for the deer camp. My mom, stepdad, and little brother are "roughing it" out there until some sort of order is restored to the area.
By roughing it I mean they are sitting in the AC, watching cable, hunting when it's not too hot out, drinking beer all day, and cooking steaks for almost every meal.
I could use a break. The job is really pissing me off this week.
I'm coming back Friday night to play in a big state softball tournament Saturday and take some good friends (evacuees) to the Stockyards.
Take care.

That Yankee is stealing our words!

All my people are safe. They "hunkered down" (CNN's new favorite southern phrase) and rode out the storm at my dad's house. He had obtained a generator and 15 gallons of gas before Rita came through. They played PS2 and pumped water out of the pool to flush the toilets.
Others were not so lucky.
I'll know more when I go back this week. There is a shit ton of work to be done.
The roof of my grandmothers house was ripped off. Surprisingly, most of her antique dishes and furniture was unharmed.
Strangely, the Bible she left on her coffee table was opened to a page proclaiming "Christ is Coming".
The electrical pole at my mom's house is gone.
My stepdad's friend lost his house. He lived on the creek so it was kind of expected.
Trees everywhere. Obliteration.
The Dairy Queen, Sonic, and Brookshire Bros. (grocery) in Kountze were all badly damaged. This will greatly affect the economy of my hometown.
I got all of this info second hand from phone calls between my dad, mom, aunt, and grandparents.

The wedding was Friday night. It went off without a hitch. Well, the parts I remember went off without a hitch.
Apparently, sometime after my 10th beer and 3rd Makers Mark there was some drama.
Apparently, I started doing cannonballs onto the airmattresses, which pissed off the bride's uncle.
Apparently, I called the bride's uncle a flamer, which is amazing since he's about twice my size. [But he really is a flamer.]
Apparently, I used the video camera to tape my friend's girl's boobs for a solid minute. Almost saw a nipple.
Apparently, I proclaimed myself to be an honorary member and "the Ambassador of this family."
It's good to have friends.

A week I will never forget

While she is supposedly losing strength, Rita is aiming directly for the Golden Triangle area (Beaumont, Port Arthur, Orange).
My family is together in the brick home I grew up in. They have boarded up the windows and stocked up on supplies. They are in Kountze, about 20 minutes north of Beaumont.
The house they are in is solid, and the fact that they are all together is comforting.
However, our prayers are still needed.

In more local news, the wedding tonight is on. My friend's fiancee was stuck in traffic on I-45 for over 20 hours! Her and her family finally made it in late last night and she is ready to get married. We've thrown together a ceremony and are looking forward to a kickass Hurricane Party. I'm leaving early to go help.
Peace out and keep the faith.

'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends,' John 15:13

Rita has turned eastward and is bearing down on my hometown. Pray for those who stayed behind to weather the storm.

The link below is to an article about my friend TH.
http://www.southeasttexaslive.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=15249784&BRD=2287&PAG=461&dept_id=512588&rfi=6

RITA SUCKS (and blows)

Mother Nature is fucking up my weekend.
I was suppose to be leaving after work today and going to interview in Beaumont tomorrow afternoon. From there I was planning on playing golf with my best friend (the Groom) and getting retarded at his fancy wedding Saturday night.
But the stupid hurricane is not letting that happen.
Instead I got to stay here and work the rest of the week.
My interview got rescheduled for next Wednesday.
The wedding is going to be Friday night at the Groom's house in Bum Fuck Egypt (east of Denton).
My damn phone won't quit ringing because no one knows what's going on and everyone is scrambling to find a place to stay this weekend. (I'm putting 3 ladies up with me. Big pimpin' for sure.)

On the bright side, I'm taking off 3 days next week to do this interview. That will also free me up to enjoy the Rice Festival in Winnie where Cross Canadian Ragweed, Kevin Fowler, and Wayne Toups will be playing.

TH's killer was released on $450,000 bail Monday. The funeral was Tuesday. The other guy who got shot is doing better.

Rest in Peace

Growing up in a small Texas town, the little league baseball park was our main source of social connection. TH lived next door to the park. His dad was the LL president. You know the family I'm talking about. Hard-working, middle class father sires a badass ballplaying son. The kid had a bucket full of homerun balls in his room. The kind of kid who made opposing 12 year old batters cry. He pegged me in the ass with a tennis ball during a game of WallBall once. The bruise was there for days.
I played on TH and his father's team several times throughout the course of my LL career. If I was lucky enough to be on his team, we won 1st. It was a no-brainer.
TH was the most amazing baseball player at 12 years old that I or anyone in my small town had ever seen. Homers, no-hitters, 70-mph fastballs. No kidding, this kid was going to be a major leaguer for sure.
At 15 he was invited to play in Amsterdam with some college-age guys in an international tournament. Kid batted about .400, hit a few homers, and threw a few shutouts. 3 years younger than all the other guys. BMF.
It looked like our high school team was going to be awesome.
Until TH got sick. What began as a minor illness quickly worsened to the point of death. Bacterial meningitis is no joke. The story goes that TH died on the helicopter for 3 minutes and came back. But he was not the same.
The cells in his fingertips had died. His Herculian strength was gone. His spirit was still very much alive, however.
After missing all of his sophomore year, TH rehabbed and came back midway through his junior (my sophomore) year. We wrapped a towel around the the handle of his bat and taped over it to cut down on the reverberations and protect his still-tender fingertips.
With his homerun power gone, the guy started slapping singles and doubles around. Eventually getting his average back into the .400's. His fastball had lost a lot of the velocity it once had, but the control was still there.
After his senior year, no colleges were intersted in him. Never the pessimist, TH went to work in the oil fields and gave up the game he loved. He planned on settling down and having a few badass ballplayin' sons of his own. Continue the legacy and all.
We lost touch for a few years. Last I'd heard he bought some land north of town and was engaged to his high school sweetheart, a girl I've known since my first day of kindergarten.

TH was killed yesterday on a dirt road outside of our hometown. He was riding 4-wheelers with his fiancee and cousins. A man with a gun threatened his friends and family for trespassing on his property when riding and a scuffle ensued. TH was shot in the head and another friend was shot in the neck (he is currently in critical condition).
The world lost a very good man yesterday for no good reason at all.

Looking the Gift Horse Directly in the Mouth

I've got a minute so guess it's time to updat the old blog. Seems I don't have a whole lot of my own original material lately.
SSDD.
Still playing softball. Still working and drinking and walking the dog.
Got a job interview lined up with the Big Evil Corporation next week, then my best friend's wedding.

I know it's really tragic about all the stuff that happened in New Orleans, but I haven't really done anything to help yet. I went through my closet last night and got a shitload of clothes to donate. I'd been planning on dropping them off at one of the billion or so donation center set up here in DFW.
Then I got this email. It's disturbed my sympathetic views on all the hurricane evacuees a bit. Just read it and leave your opinion on it if you want. Sorry I'm too lazy to edit the >>> marks and stuff. Just read it.

This is from a guy here in Houston that went to volunteer his time to >> help>> the hurricane victims. It is pretty sad and disappointing to think people>> could be so ungrateful.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
SO I VOLUNTEERED..........>>>> I thought I might inform the few friends I have on my recent traumatic>> experience. I am going to tell it straight, blunt, raw, and I don't give >> a>> damn. Long read, I know but please do read!!!>>>> I went to volunteer on Saturday at the George R. Brown convention for two>> reasons.>>>> A: I wanted to help people to get a warm fuzzy.>> B: Curiosity.>>>> I've been watching the news lately and have seen scenes that have made me>> want to vomit. And no it wasn't dead bodies, the city under water, or the>> sludge everywhere. It was PEOPLE'S BEHAVIOR. The people on T.V. (99% >> being>> Black) were DEMANDING help. They were not asking nicely but demanding as >> if>> society owed these people something. Well the honest truth is WE DON'T. >> Help>> should be asked for in a kind manner and then appreciated. This is not >> what>> the press (FOX in particular) was showing, what I was seeing was a group >> of>> people who are yelling, demanding, looting, killing, raping, and SHOOTING>> back at the demanded help!!!!! So I'm thinking this can't possibly be >> true,>> can it???? So I decide to submit to the DEMAND for help out of SHOCK. I>> couldn't believe this to be true of the majority of the people who are >> the>> weakest of society. So I went to volunteer and help folks out and see the>> truth. So I will tell the following story and you decide:>>>> I arrived at the astrodome only to find out that there are too many>> volunteers and that volunteers were needed at the George R. Brown >> Convention>> Center. As I was walking up to the Convention Center I noticed a line of>> cars that wrapped around blocks filled with donations. These where >> ordinary>> Houstonians coming with truckloads and trunks full of water, diapers,>> clothes, blankets, food, all types of good stuff. And lots of it was NEW. >> I>> felt that warm fuzzy while helping unload these vehicles of these >> wonderful>> human beings. I then went inside the building and noticed approximately>> 100,000 sq. ft. of clothes, shoes, jackets, toys and all types of goodies>> all organized and ready for the people in need. I signed up, received a >> name>> badge and was on my merry way excited to be useful.>>>> I toured the place to get familiar with my surrounding; the entire place >> is>> probably around 2 million sq. ft. I noticed rows as far as the eye can >> see>> of mattresses, not cots, BLOW UP MATTRESSES!!! All of which had nice >> pillows>> and plenty of blankets. 2 to 3 bottles of water lay on every bed. These >> full>> size to queen size beds by the way were comfortable, I laid in one to see>> for myself. I went to look at the medical area. I couldn't believe what >> my>> eyes were seeing!!! A makeshift hospital created in 24 hours!!! It was>> unbelievable, they even had a pharmacy. I also noticed that they created>> showers, which would also have hot water. I went upstairs to the third >> floor>> to find a HUGE cafeteria created in under 24 hours! Rows of tables, >> chairs>> and food everywhere - enough to feed an army! I'm not talking about crap>> food either. They had Jason's Deli food, apples, oranges, coke, diet >> coke,>> lemonade, orange juice, cookies, all types of chips and sandwiches. All >> the>> beverages by the way was put on ice and chilled!!!! In a matter of about >> 24>> hours or less an entire mini-city was erected by volunteers for the poor>> evacuees. This was not your rundown crap shelter, it was BUM HEAVEN.>>>> So that was the layout: great food, comfy beds, clean showers, free >> medical>> help, by the way there was a library, and a theatre room I forgot to>> mention. Great stuff right????>>>> Well here is what happened on my journey ->>>> I started by handing out COLD water bottles to evacuees as they got off >> the>> bus. Many would take them and only 20% or less said thank you. Lots of >> them>> would shake their heads and ask for sodas! So this went on for about >> 20-30>> minutes until I was sick of being an unappreciated servant. I figured>> certainly these folks would appreciate some food!!! So I went upstairs to>> serve these beloved evacuees some GOOD food that I wish I could have at >> the>> moment!>>>> ***The following statements are graphic, truthful, and discuss UNRATIONAL>> behavior***>>>> Evacuees come slowly to receive this mountain of food that is worth >> serving>> to a king! I tell them that we have 2 types of great deli sandwiches to>> choose from - ham and turkey. Many look at the food in disgust and DEMAND>> burgers, pizza, and even McDonalds!!!! Jason's deli is better than>> McDonalds!!!! Only 1 out of ten people who took something would say >> "thank>> you" the rest took items as if it was their God given right to be served>> without a shred of appreciation!!! They would ask for Beer and liquor. >> They>> complained that we didn't have good enough food. They refused food and>> laughed at us. They treated us volunteers as if we where SLAVES. No not >> all>> of them of course.but 70% did!!!!!! 20% where appreciative, 10% took the>> food without any comment and the other 70% had some disgusting comment to>> say. Some had the nerve to laugh at us. And when I snapped back at them >> for>> being mean, they would curse at me!!! Needless to say I was in utter >> shock.>> They would eat their food and leave their mess on the table. some would >> pick>> up their stuff, many would leave it for the volunteers to pick up. I left>> that real quick to go down and help set up some more beds. I saw many >> young>> ladies carrying mattresses and I helped for a while. Then I realized>> something.there where hundreds of able-bodied young men who could help!! >> I>> asked a group of young evacuees in their teens and early twenties to >> help. I>> got cursed at for asking them to help!!! One said "We just lost our >> ****ing>> homes and you want us to WORK!!" The next said "Ya Cracker, you got a >> home,>> we don't" I looked at them in disbelief. Here are women walking by >> carrying>> THEIR ****ING BEDS and they can't lift a finger and help themselves!!>>>> WHY THE **** SHOULD I HELP PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO HELP THEMESELVES!!!!>>>> I waved them off and turned away and was laughed at, and more "white boy>> jokes" where made at me. I felt no need to waste my breath on a bunch of>> pitiful losers. I went to a nearby restroom where I noticed a man >> shaving. I>> used the restroom, washed my hands and saw this man throw his razor >> towards>> the trash can...he missed. he walked out leaving his disgusting razor on >> the>> floor for some other "cracker" to pick up. Even the little kids where>> demanding. I saw only ONE white family and only TWO Hispanic families. >> The>> rest where blacks.sorry, 20% to 30% decent blacks. and 70% LOSERS!!!!!>>>> I would call them ******S, but the actual definition of a ****** is one >> who>> is ignorant, these people were not ignorant..they where ARROGANT >> *******S.>> The majority of which are thugs and lifetime lazy mule welfare >> recipients.>> We are inviting the lowest of the low to Houston. And like idiots, we are>> serving the people who will soon steal our cars, rape, murder, and >> destroy>> our city while stealing from our pockets on a daily basis through the>> welfare checks they take. We will fund our own destruction.>>>> By "US" I don't mean a specific race, I mean the people who work hard, >> work>> smart, have values and morals. Only people who want to help themselves>> should be helped, the others should be allowed to destroy themselves. I >> do>> not want to work hard, give the government close to half the money I earn >> so>> they can in turn give it to a bunch of losers.>>>> I don't believe in being poor for life. My family immigrated here, we >> came>> here poor, and now thank God, and due to HARD WORK we are doing fine. If>> immigrants who come here, don't know the language can work and become>> successful... WHY THE **** CAN'T THE MAJORITY OF THE HOMEGROWN DO IT!!! >> If>> we continue to reward these losers then we will soon destroy our great>> country. I just witnessed selfish, arrogant, unappreciative behavior by >> the>> very people who need help the most. Now these same people who cursed me,>> refused my city's generosity, who refuse to help themselves are DEMANDING>> handouts on their own terms!!!!!!! They prance around as if they are owed>> something, and when they do receive a handout, they say it's not good>> enough! Well you know what..these types of people can go to hell for all >> I>> care!

Okay, really long - I know. And like I said before, this is just one person's experience with the evacuees. IT IS NOT MY OPINION. I just offer it up to you as blog fodder.
But it does make you think that maybe some of them are milking this thing for all it's worth, right?

A Good One

A man was sitting in a cafeteria next to a blonde woman who was engrossed in her newspaper.
The bold headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed".
She shook her head at the sad news.
Then she turned to the man and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

She stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her

I'm going to the Jack Ingram concert tonight at BillyBob's. One of my old roommates from college, Catbone, is coming up with his wife. He's from my hometown and we've been hanging out together a long time.
The house that we lived in at SFA was the absolute worst place I have ever called home, The Green House.
It was an old dentist's office that had been converted into a 4-bedroom rent house. Rent for the entire place was $150 a month. It was puke green and falling apart.
It sat on about 3 acres of land which included an old rundown barn. Inside the barn was a sweet 1950's model pickup (Chevy, I think).
The appliances were all antiques but still in working order. There was a drinking fountain in the kitchen and gold shag carpet throughout the house.
The one bathroom had a hole in the floor next to the bathtub. No shower, just a tub. I loathe taking baths, by the way.
There was a possum who lived under the house. He would crawl through the hole at night and get into our garbage. That is, until he got capped in the ass.
The heater didn't work and the AC barely made a difference. We used lots of fans in the summer and propane heaters in the winter.
The greatest thing about The Green House was the hammock out front. It was suspended between a post on the porch and an old juniper tree. I'd sit outside on that hammock drinking Natural Light and watch the cars go by until sundown. Sometimes Catbone would break out his geetar and strum a few chords. We'd make up stupid songs or change the words to songs he knew.
We threw many a party at that old house. Being out in the middle of the country has it's advantages in that you can get away with pretty much anything.
There were many nights I'd pass out only to be awakened by Jim, Big A, or the Strat (more Kountze boys who lived there) firing off rounds with the shotgun.
After we all moved out, the place when to shit. Last time I stopped by some punks had gone through and broken all the windows and punched holes in the walls. I miss that old house sometimes.

Damn it feels good to see people doin' it

I took off work yesterday and there's a big heaping pile of crap to do, so this will be it for a minute.

The first bachelor party on Friday was awesome. Hummer limo was tight. Got my drink on and looked at titties all night. About half the bachelor party was fraternity brothers and the other half military guys. 3 of the grunts puked in the limo and all but one of them passed out on the way home. We're troopers, man. Fuckin' pussy asses can't hang.

Saturday I took the Saturn in for a routine replacement of the brake pads. My brakes had been squealing like litte piggies for about a week. I thought it would cost no more than 100 bucks. Wrong, Darrel.
It was 500 motherfuckin' dollars. I'm pretty sure I got raped, but had no other choice. The wheel cylinder was leaking and the calipers were shot. I had places to be and stopping the car is kind of an important part of driving, ya know.

So then the second bachelor party started. It was the more important one because it's my best friend who's getting married. We rented a big old party bus for this one. It wasn't as pimped out as a limo but just as fun. The driver was a Russian man who barely spoke the language. Drove like a bat out of hell too. We did Silver City VIP and then hit a few other ta-ta bars up. Memory gets hazy around 1 a.m. I ended up watching Sportscenter with the groom at 5 a.m. and passing a little piece of glass back and forth. Old habits and shit.

Sunday I woke up and hauled my ass to the ranch. The doves were flying in the evening and I intended to get me some. I knocked down 6 but only found 4. We need a good bird dog. A bird girl would be even better though. Then it was cold beer and pizza with some good friends and family. Good times indeed.

I decided to head home Monday morning and cut the hunt short. Everyone else was leaving and there were some pressing issues on the homefront to deal with. So I came back and took care of my business. Nuff said bout that.

I cleaned the apartment Tuesday and cooked a brisket. Lounged around watching TV and playing Tiger. Then I played a little softball with a friend of a friend and went to visit my cousin. She's butch and has lost about 50 pounds this year. All her old clothes fit me so she gave 'em up. I got tons of hand-me-downs.
I also got a letter from the Big Evil Corporation yesterday. They want me to come down for an interview. This could be big. Moving back home would be okay with me right now. Save some money and get out of debt.

I gotta get busy. Later.

Charge it to the game

Check the itinerary for this extended Labor Day Weekend:
Friday
Bachelor party #1 for fraternity brother that I haven't seen in over a year. Hummer limo. Titty bars and cold beers. I was a last second replacement.
Saturday
Spend the morning recovering from Friday night and pack for the dove hunt. Head to best friend's house around 3 for bachelor party #2. Hard buzz by 5. Get on the bus to Bonedaddy's, then the Lodge. VIP room 9-1. Try not to blow my wad (take that however you want).
Sunday
Spend arm and leg on a tank of gas. Drive 3 hours to the ranch. Hunt doves and drink cold beers with family members and friends. Cook and eat dove wraps. Possibly make a trip to the Owl's Roost to dance with the local girls and hustle some pool.
Monday
Hunt all day. Drink beer all day. Sweat all day. Fish at night.
Tuesday
Hunt in the morning and drive home in the afternoon. Recover and regroup. Get ready for super short work week (3 days).

We'll see if it really works out that way. Have a good one, yall.

Bells will be ringing

My best friend is getting married next month. The first time I met him we were on the playground in kindergarten. I was putting the mack on his cousin at the time and he didn't like it. We got into a fight that day. Since then we've been through more experiences and gotten into more trouble together than anyone should ever know about.
We both went to SFA after high school. I graduated first and moved up here to DFW. He has since moved up this way as well.
His bachelor party will be this Saturday. I can't believe he's actually getting married.
When I tell people from our hometown that he's about to tie the knot they think I'm joking. To say he was a womanizer in the past would be an understatement. His favorite pickup line was, "Hey you wanna get high?"
He has since changed his ways and it's all his fiancee's fault. She's awesome.
I couldn't be happier for the guy. He's got a great life ahead of him.
I'm going to make a toast at his wedding, drink like a fish and dance like a fool.

A place where even squares can have a ball

If you ever get a chance to visit Oklahoma, don't. Just do something else. Oklahoma is unremarkable to say the least. I was not impressed. at all. The beer there is like water. 3.2% alcohol. I probably had about eight...teen of them and wasn't even feeling it. That's when I switched to the Kentucky Deluxe.

We didn't do well in the tournament. Went 3-4 (7 games!) and lost all of our games by 3 runs or less. Generally, the hits were few and far between. Although we did finally get crunked up in the last game, scoring 22 runs. More than we'd scored the entire day.
In between games we drank whiskey and beer while listening to Dwight Yoakum and April Wine. It was a good time despite all of the losing.
Although my arm is pretty much dead, the rest of my body is not as sore as I imagined it would be.

I have decided that all of this softball is going to have an impact on my outward appearance. Therefore, I'm now growing a full-on goatee.
Soon I'll either begin cultivating a mullett or shaving my head.
Then I'll get a pair of baseball pants (breaking a vow I made after my senior year of high school baseball to never wear those again).
Eventually I will muster up the courage to get a barbed wire tattoo on one arm and a Tazmanian Devil tat on the other (or possibly one of those cool tribal ones, maybe even a Chinese symbol).
I'll carry around a ginormous wheeled softball bag filled with dozens of bats and hundreds of various weighted balls.
I'll talk extensively of the differences between ASA and USSSA (U-trip) leagues.
I'll begin taking steroids to bulk up (show off those killer tats) and wear sleeveless shirts (maybe even a shimmel shirt once in a while).
I'll play in beginner leagues during the week to show off and build my confidence, then play state tournaments in odd places (like Oklahoma City) on the weekends.
I'll drop my whole paycheck on the newest Miken bat just to be the first guy swinging it.
Then I will truly become the true definition of the redneck softball junky.
I am well on my way.

Boomer or bust

I must be a sucker for punishment. I've agreed to play in an all-day softball tournament this saturday.
In Oklahoma, no less. Home of the Fat Girl. Where the men are men and the sheep are scared.
I've never been to Oklahoma. Apparently there's just not much up there to do. Except play softball I guess.
Speaking of which, we won our game last night. But it was a fugly win. A nasty dropped flyball, hit-your-damn-cutoff-man, the other team just sucked worse win. A W is a W, I guess.

Other than softball I really don't have much else going on right now. Been organizing my best friend's bachelor party, which is next weekend. Trying (unsuccessfully) to save money for that. Should be fun.

Work sucks. The morning meetings have been moved to 9 a.m., which is good. But now we're having them every day and they last almost an hour. I want to shoot myself about 10 minutes into it. How some of these people got to the positions they're in boggles the mind.

That's enough meaningless ramble for now. Have a good day. No HNT for me. The new phone doesn't like to share. It's greedy but I still like it.
Peace in the muthafuckin' middle east.

I'm too old for this shit

Friday night I went to Sneaky Pete's with LukeDuke and his friend, the Dude. We had some Jager bombs and watched a kickass band. Then we went back to the Dude's trailer park and talked to some high school kids. LukeDuke broke out the guee-tar and we drunkenly sang along to "Curtis Lowe", "Willin", and "Country Boy Can Survive". Good times. I passed out on the couch and spooned with some cats.

We woke up Saturday morning and played golf at a par-3 9-hole course near Lake Lewisville. It was cheap and easy. Just how I like them.
Saturday night I went to one of the best concerts ever with the Belldoorlover. Jimmy Eat World opened for them and I was really excited about seeing them, but was very disappointed in their performance. It was kind of shitty and lasted only about 30 minutes.
Green Day on the other hand, they rocked like none other. The show was intense and they really got the crowd involved. Even if it did feel like a Nazi rally at times.
The best part was when they pulled these kids up on stage to play for them. It was awesome. First they found a drummer in the audience, then a bass player, and finally a guitar player. Three random people from the pit got to play in front of thousands while Billy Joe sang.
That's some cool shit right there.

Sunday I played in a co-ed softball tournament with my cousin. She's on a good team and they needed an extra guy. It was a small 3-team tournament and we ended up killing both of the other teams. We walked away with the championship and some shirts.
The games were at 12, 2, and 4. The temperature for each game was about 100, 105, and 110. Seriously, I think I lost about 5 pounds just standing in the heat alone. Nevermind all the running.

Monday night we had a tripleheader with games at 6, 7, and 8. After playing all day Sunday I was pretty sore. By the middle of our first game I thought my arm would fall off and my right calf started tightening up. But I played through it. I'm a gamer.
We won the first two games and lost the last one on a close play. It seemed like we were just out of gas.

Today I'm hobbling around like an old man. My arm hurts. My right calf is not functioning properly at all. My ass hurts. My neck pops every time I move it. And for some strange reason the 4th toe on my right foot has curled up under my 3rd toe, making it painful to walk on the outside of my foot.
I just want to sit in a hot tub and get a good massage. Anybody up for it?

When the Skittles start hitting you on the head, RUN!

Sorry guys, can't do HNT this week. The new phone isn't cooperating in that department. Other than that, I love it.

Deep breath. This is a long one...

So the immovable object/irresistible force thing is out the window. We lost (were robbed of) our first game last night against the same team we schelacked last week. The umps did a shitty job and we played like left-handed little girls on roller skates.
I blame it on the 2 new guys we picked up. They are a fat father and son duo. Pitcher and rightfielder. They're throwing our chemistry off. But they paid their money, so we gotta let 'em play.
And if Monday and Wednesday games weren't enough, now I've gone and committed to playing co-ed on Sundays with my cousin. We start this Sunday with a doubleheader. Then I have a tripleheader Monday.
Great. Break out the IcyHot.

After the games me, Teer, and Saltdog went to a pool hall/sports bar we hadn't been to yet. It was a very cool place. However, the service was ATROCIOUS. It took us 45 minutes to get our second beers. Forty. Five. Minutes.
It was all the stupid bartender's fault. She was about 50 and acted like a maniac. She actually told one of the waitresses, "I need you guys to go on break. I have to do some dishes and this shit is killin' me."
She said this while about 8 people were standing around waiting for drinks.
I was a bartender in BoozeCapital, USA for a good year. Haven't been behind a bar (legally) in a solid 2 years. I could've worked circles around this old lady last night.
So I casually ask the waitress if they were hiring, because I could always use some extra cash.
"Nope. Owner only hires girls."
WHAAAA? Garbage you say?
Don't get me wrong. I've known and worked with many excellent female bartenders. Hell, I even see what the guy is up to. Get good-lookin' girl to work the bar and cocktail, bring in the dudes. But no freakin' wonder the place was so fucked up. It was like two monkey fuckin' a football in there.
Did I mention that our waitress had a SLAYER tatoo on her right arm. Slayer. The hardcore deathmetal whatever band. Classy girls in that place, let me tell ya.
And the Owner was shitfaced. He almost beat the crap out of some regular who complained about his tab. Seriously had to be restrained by the Bouncer.
Enter the Bouncer - all 450 pounds of him. He'd check IDs a little, then get up on stage and karaoke to Al Green or something. Did a pretty decent job too. I liked him immediately.

So we finally get a pitcher from the waitress because single beers take WAAAY too long. We'd already played pool and foosball. Next was darts.
As we're moving towards the dartboard, the Gayest Man Ever jumps out onto the dance floor and starts doing cheerleader moves. Serious cheerleader moves. Toe-touches and rah-rahs and shit.
Then he comes over and starts talking to me. I hate this. I hate being tolerant. Why me?
He starts telling me about how he coaches cheer at Such-and-such High School and all I'm doing is covering my cornhole and avoiding eye contact.
Then I was saved by the funniest little skunk-striped hair having girl in the place, Gin. She's a bartender and interrupted by saying, "Maintain."
Just that. Maintain. That's all she said and the little flamer went away.
I was awestruck. Is this some secret homo password I don't know. Like the way attack dogs are trained to heel when you say "Gugenheimer", the unwanted sexual advances of gay men can be halted by saying, "Maintain"?
No, it wasn't that. She knows the guy cause he's a regular and their little pet. But when he starts scaring off the straights she has to tell him to maintain his composure.
I was amazed and thankful to no end.
That's when she said the funniest thing I'd heard in a long time (title of post), "When the skittles start hitting you on the head, RUN!!". (Ya know, like in the commercials - Taste the Rainbow)
I laughed and laughed.

We're going back next week.

Highs and Lows - Gutters and Strikes

Very quickly because I'm swamped here, this is the weekend story.

Thursday afternoon I left work around 2:15 p.m. (15 minutes after my boss left) and drove down to Beaumont for the Jason Boland concert. The concert was the definition of awesomeness.
I'm worried about Jason, though. He's too skinny. Probably the drugs.
Anyway, I ended up getting surrounded by a bunch of Brooke's (my ex-girlfriend/still-good-friend) co-workers and challenging them all to a fight. I'd had a few too many Jagers and they were pushing up on her a little too much for my liking.
So with a head full of booze and directions to the main assholes house, I set off at 2 a.m. to kick the shit out of him.
Note: This is totally out of character for me to behave this way. I got a little out of hand with the booze and I absolutely cannot stand for someone to put their finger in my face.
After banging on his door for a good 15 minutes, I left. The neighbors were on the porch.
Passed out on Brooke's couch and woke at 8 a.m. to her apologizing for her behavior. She was pretty trashed too and kind of instigated the whole confrontation. Drama queen.

Friday I played golf with an old friend on his birthday and visited with my mom and little brother. Friday night I went to see my dad play the guitar at a coffee house.
Left that night for Galveston at around 11 p.m. Arrived around 1 a.m.
Met the old crew from high school at a little Irish bar on the Strand and got obliterated in about an hour. Then we walked up and down the beach drinking Jager and telling old stories until the wee hours.
Actually strolled up to the front desk of the nicest hotel on the island in flip flops, shorts, and a tank top, rolling a cooler full of High Life through the lobby and demanded a room. Got it.

Saturday we were treated to a dinner by the father of my old friend The Bronald (named so because he has hair like Trump). Then it was back to the hotel for beers by the pool.
That lasted about 30 minutes. They kicked us out for sneaking our cooler into the pool area.
Did I tell you this place was ritzy? It was like the Clampetts Go to Galveston.
So we decide the best place for white trash like us is the beach. And that's where we spent the day sailing, drinking, joking, remembering old times, and hitting golf balls into the ocean.
I also got shit on by a seagull. Second time in 6 months a bird has shit on me. What are the odds?
At this point I would have a great pic to show you guys but you already know about the phone and it's sudden untimely death.
Afterwards it was off to shower and get ready for another night on the town.
We hit a few bars and drank way too much.
Ended up back at the hotel pool where I met a beautiful young lady from Humble. She was gorgeous. We danced in the pool and made out like junior high kids in the hot tub. I got her number and promised to call her soon.
Then my cell phone died.
She's gone forever.
I don't even remember her name now.

I love Galveston.

Damn you Tommy Tutone!!!

It's official. The cell phone has passed away and taken my phone book with it.
Services will be held tonight at an as yet undetermined sports bar in the Dallas/Addison/Plano area.

I went to the Sprint Store after work to see if the phone could be salvaged. No such luck.
So then I broke out The Beast. The big black 4 pounder with humongous buttons and a dangly wrist strap.
The Sprint guys almost shit themselves. But they hooked it up and it worked. Kind of.
The battery wouldn't stay on for more than 5 minutes, but it let me return a few calls and clear up a few things.
Then I got fed up with it and decided to purchase another phone at a smaller phone store down the road.
Best idea I ever had.
They originally sold me a practically new camera phone that was pretty sweet for a very reasonable price. But when I tried to activate it, the numbers weren't recognized by Sprint.
So they let me have an even better, video camera phone for the same price!
Suckers.

So feel free to email your number to me. Otherwise I've got no way to get at you.

Hold yer horses

I'm going to post about the KICKASS weekend I had, but not until later. I need to post some pics off my camera phone and have a few cold beers to tell the story in the right state of mind.
The phone is at the Sprint place getting "looked at" by a "technician".
I fear it is dead and I won't have the pics. I already wrote the eulogy for it below, but I'm clinging to a faint glimmer of hope that it can be salvaged.
If not, I've got a ginormous backup phone that my aunt left behind. It seriously weighs about 2 pounds and is roughly 4 times the size of my old one.

Here lies Darrel's cell phone

R.I.P. Silver Samsung Camera Phone
2003 - 2005
You were a good friend and trustworthy companion.
May your memory live on, so that I will not have to obtain the 3,000,000 phone numbers hidden in your remarkable little brain.
You will be missed.

(I'm probably over-reacting. The guy at the Sprint Store said it might just need a new battery or something. I still hate Sprint, though)

If you smellllllllll what the OB is cookin'

HNT is in the heezee for sheezee my neezee.

The Wednesday night softball team just might be that immovable object, that irresistible force, I was talking about earlier in the week. We wrecked shop on those fools last night. I got 3 hits, drank a full 16 oz. beer, and smoke half a cigarette (don't know why, it just seemed like the thing to do) in the top half of the 2nd inning of our first game. We scored 16 runs before we had an out.

And it's not like the other team was that bad. We just hit the ball like it was a red-headed stepchild. It felt good to win big again. 24-5 and 22-14.

Anyway, I'm out of here today. Taking a day off from work and going to Beaumont tonight to see JASON BOLAND AND THE STRAGGLERS!! if I can still get tickets.

Have fun. be safe. don't work too hard. suckers.

Welcome to Shitty Wok. Would you like to try our Shitty Shrimp?

Seriously, this is the rundown of a conversation I had with HNG the other day. I wasn't going to post about it but recent behavior on her part has warranted the validation of her idiocy.

Me: So, how long were you and your Baby'sDaddy together?
HNG: Not long. It's kind of weird but she wasn't really an "accident".
Me: .... (eyebrow cocked to one side. head turned on shoulder) Whaaaa?
HNG: Well, I've always wanted an Asian baby and BabyDaddy is Vietnamese...
Me: (thinking - how far is it to that door?) Hmmmmmmm.
HNG: I just wanted to have a kid before I get too old, ya know? that and I'm really fertile.
Me: (standing up and stretching, inching towards the door) I think I hear the dog barking. Better go. Later.

Crazy and whore-ish as the HNG may be, she's still pretty damn hot. I need to get out more. I guess the only reason I even considered hooking up with her is because it would be so convenient.
What do you guys think?

Would you like brown gravy or white on that?

Today is a special day for me. It's Wednesday, meaning the work week is halfway over.
But that's not why today is special. No.
Today is $1.99 CHICKEN FRIED STEAK DAY at KFC!!!
(Yeah, this gets me excited. Turns me on even.)
A decent little chicken fried steak, two sides, and a biscuit for under 2 bucks.
Can't beat it with a stick.

Playing a doubleheader tonight. Must keep the undefeated streak alive.
Must. not. drink. before. the. game. (too much)

And here's a pic of my dog, just because he rocks.


Peace out.

The devil is dead. Long live the devil.

The unthinkable has happened. The irresistible force has been resisted. The immovable object has been moved.
The 11 game win streak for the Monday night softball team has come to an end. In gut-wrenching fashion too.
With 2 outs and a man on third, the opposing team needed only one run to win the game. A one-hopper to our left fielder (FIS) should have easily scored the wining run, but these jackasses were being all nonchalant and shit. So FIS fires the ball home and has the guy out by a mile.
And the damn catcher dropped the ball! Would've ended the inning and given us another chance to come back.
Oh well, these things happen.
You can't win 'em all I guess.
Doesn't bother me at all. no really I'm not mad. really. I'll get over it.
We've still got an undefeated team on Wednesday nights.

Also, FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!
I know it's only preseason, but damn it's good to see the game I love being played again.
It's the most wonderful time of the year....

And now, boys and girls, it's story time:
The Horse, the Harley, and the Chicken
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!>
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.>
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, BestPals.>
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mudpit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken gota good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

Insert appropriate title

So I didn't make the 5 hour drive home this weekend. I felt like shit Friday after lunch (see previous post) and decided it would probably be a bad idea to get behind the wheel with a head full of misery and very little sleep. It was also raining.
Plus I needed to come into work Saturday morning and get a few things done that I'd neglected.
So that's what I did. Slept about 12 hours Friday night and worked (a little) Saturday. I also got a lot of the new Palahniuk book read. It's good. Not great, but still good.

Saw this truck in my parking lot. It is all I ever wanted. I will have one. Toyota Tacoma X-Runner. So clean.

I also cleared a few things up with the HNG (hot neighbor girl). There will be no relationship there. After picking her brain for a few hours I realized that she's scandalous, shady, fickle, and slutty. She also doesn't have a single girl friend. Not one. Odd. why not? I thought girls stick together and stuff. Because she's scandalous and backstabbing? probably.
And she's got a 2-year-old daughter. But that's not really a problem. I like kids.
Anyway, I'm over it. No really it doesn't bother me at all.

So yesterday I went to the pool with Jose, Candace, and their friend Dumbass. We set up the volleyball net, got some floats in the pool, ran an extension cord out, set up the TV (big NASCAR race), and fired up the grill.

About 4 High Lifes and 2 games of dominoes into the party the bottom fell out of the sky and drenched us. We salvaged the TV and made our way to the covered walkway.
We spent the rest of the afternoon cooking on the porch and drinking beer. I turned in about 6 and passed out on the couch.
Got a call from an old friend around 8 and stayed up late playing Literati.
Now I'm back at work again.

Sorry I haven't been posting much, but I think I'll do more this week as I have much on my mind and I'd like some feedback about it. 'Til then.

These things come in threes

As if this week hadn't been shitty enough, I find out this morning that one of my old high school buddy's dad died yesterday. Sudden heart attack.
Also, LukeDuke's cousin (who I dated briefly in junior high) died last night and was brought back with the paddles. She's in ICU and not doing well. Had a pre-existing heart condition.
No update on Alan's condition.

And now... a 5 hour drive on 4 hours sleep. Shoot me in the face.

Don't call it a comeback

I been here for years.

The camera phone takes pics of me and I'm putting them up on HNT for all to see.

I can't rap.

Alan is doing much better, but the doctor says he'll have amnesia when he wakes up. So everyone is getting pictures together and sending them to his hospital room. Hopefully that will help recover some of the memories. At least it'll be a reminder of who he is and that we care about him. Thanks for the prayers.

If You're Gonna Be Dumb You Gotta Be Tough

To start out on a very serious note, one of my fraternity brothers was in a bad car wreck this weekend. He was put in a coma to help the healing process and all signs indicate he'll pull through, but things are going to be very tough for him and his new family. He got married last year and just recently had a son.
Please say a prayer for Alan Ford and his family.

In other news, we won our first game Monday night but really didn't play as well as we should. It was a close game. We start the Wednesday night league tonight.

Last night LukeDuke got up at Fox & Hound and played the guitar. He just walked up and asked the house band if they minded him playing a few songs during their break. They agreed.
It was his first public performance in front of complete strangers. He was awesome.
First he played Margaritaville. And that got a great response from the crowd. Who doesn't like to sing along to Margaritaville?
Then he played Changes (I think that's the name) by Lynyrd Skynyrd. It's a great song, but kind of slow and preachy. Didn't get the same response, but still sounded really good.
I was that guy in the back whoopin' and hollerin'.
"You're my boy, LukeDuke!!!"

Also, the HNG is scandalous and shady. I don't think I want to hook up with her.

and one last thing... the Belldoorlover already knows this, but guys in pink shirts make me laugh. I will make fun of you. To your face if I must.

For the fans

We're starting a new Monday night softball league tonight. If you'll remember, we went 9-0 in the last league. This time they've put us in a bracket with some much tougher competition.

The Wednesday night league also went undefeated (10-0) last season and will begin a new season in two days. We will also be placed into a tougher bracket.

That is all.

Who knew?

I did. That's who.
The Astros are for real.
That's right. Even though they lost today, they're still in first place for the wild card.
22-7 in the month of July, bitches!!! Don't doubt the Lone Star state.
And don't think they won't give St. Louis a run for their money in the division as well.

Since the Spurs walked away with the NBA title, the .45's and Rangers are both in the playoff hunt, and the Cowboys are gonna wreck shop this season I gotta pose this highly possible scenario.
Spurs - 2005 NBA Champs
Astros (or Rangers) - 2005 World Series Champs
Cowboys - 2006 Super Bowl Champs
It'd be the best year ever. ever. I'd be able to die a happy man.

Also, I can't even watch Andy Milonakis anymore. Now that I know he's not 12, I think his show blows big green donkey dicks.

Around the way girl

Went down to the Library (it's a cleverly named bar) last night and met up with the Hot Neighbor Girl and her friends.
$1 domestic bottles and $1.50 imports, which means I had about 8....teen Shiners and a couple Jagers. I was feelin' it. Still am.
Ended up at IHOP around 2:30 in the a.m.
Finally made it to bed around 3:30.
HNG woke me up about 4. Her friend wrecked his truck. Well, it's not his truck. It's a rental. Anyway, they needed a pair of pliers. Why they needed pliers, I do not know. I gave them to her and asked if she would return with them sans clothing and inhibitions.
She didn't come back, but I'm pretty sure she gave my proposition a good long thought.
We're all getting together again Saturday for a repeat of last weekends poolside barbecue and beers.
This could be a very interesting weekend.

Damn! That girl fine.

Now, I'm no Hot Librarian or anything. But I got some skills with the MS Paint.
Here's a new HNT submission for you.
Not really sure who this girl is, but she's definitely got it going on.

The pretty blue eyes. Those red lips. The good hair. Damn.

And that Texas bikini. WOW.

Girl of my dreams.

In other news, we got our T-shirts and a plaque for winning the Wednesday night softball league (undefeated as well). Then I went to the Big Apple Cafe to celebrate. They got some kickass pizza at that place.

Total runs scored on Wednesdays: by us - 168, by our opponents - 69.

Who wears short shorts?

I spent the entire weekend, except for a few hours when I played golf, beside the pool with a cooler full of beer and some chicken cooking on the grill. It was awesome.
The neighbor girl who lives behind me (call her Lexus) is sexy as hell. Jose's female friend from work is sexy as well.

With that being said, I can now tell you that the Monday night softball league is officially over and we went undefeated. It's a great feeling. Now they're going to put us in a tougher bracket, where we belong. The Wednesday night league will finish up this week as well. That team is also undefeated (so far).

Work sucks.
My boss sucks.
Sprint sucks. (will there be an HNT submission this week? we'll see)

The power went out at my apartment complex last night. Just when I was about to turn the vacuum cleaner on. I was in the middle of some serious cleaning. Don't know what got into me. The place is actually halfway decent now. Smells better anyway.
With no lights, the neighbors and I decided it would be best to drink scotch and play cards by candlelight. Just when we'd gotten into a good game of 31, the power kicked back on.
We finished the game and stayed up until 1 shooting the shit anyway.
I think my neighbor down below was pretty pissed when I turned the vacuum on at 1:30 this morning. He'll get over it.
That's it. Back to the grind.

What kind of bird don't fly?

That skinny bitch Candi is back. HELL YEAH!!!

You got me. You got the Tater.

Polly has tagged me. What a bitch. [justkiddingdon'tkillme]

1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life? (Note: That I will admit to on my blog):
-Last Christmas, I was driving home to see the folks and exchange presents. Except I left the presents at my apartment. And I didn't realize it until about 3 1/2 hours into my trip. So I had to turn around and drive back. A trip that should've taken 5 hours took about 12.
-A couple of guys (8-9) in my fraternity got into a fight with basically the whole chapter (at least 15 guys) of another fraternity one time. When I showed up the fight was over. The guys from the other fraternity that actually fought back had gotten their asses whooped. I helped one bloody kid into a car so he could go to the hospital. Then the cops showed up and threw me against the wall. After convincing them I wasn't in the fight, I was told to wait for questioning. When I asked (like the smartass I am) why only the dudes from my fraternity were going to jail, the officer cuffed me and hauled me off for PI.
-I once scored a goal for the other team in a JV basketball game because I was high. I hadn't been paying attention and got called off the bench during a free throw. When the rebound landed in my hands, I put it right back into the goal. The other team's goal. That's why I always vote against dope-smoking white boys playing basketball.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?
-me. if someone answers differently on this one, they are probably lying.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up five people to dine with, who would you pick?
-Jesus Christ
-Socrates
-Billy the Kid
-Leonardo DaVinci
-Benjamin Franklin

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?
-That I could find a better paying job closer to my family.
-That my dad would finally get his Social Security money.
-That the doctors would figure out what's wrong with my dad's back and fix it.

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.
I regret that my hometown doesn't have:
-a Wal-Marts.
-a Taco Bell
If you're in my hometown you should avoid:
-Crazy Judy (I should probably blog about her sometime). She's the crazy, strung-out bitch walking around town and offering blowjobs for cash.
-The World's Only Married Armadillos. They bite. and yes they were seriously married. had a ceremony and everything.

6. Name one event that has changed your life.
-See the scar story. Going off that rope swing was definitely a turning point in my life.

7. Tag 3 people.
-Latigo Flint
-Belldoorlover
-The Sarcastrix

You're standing on the tracks

It's official. We've wrapped up first place in both the Monday (see prior post) and Wednesday night leagues. I just got home from administering a 15-2 curb checking to some scrub team named Beer. Good name. Shitty players.
Give me my damn T-shirt. XL, please.
Now the only thing left to play for is a perfect record.

Also, I killed the crickets. And I feel very good about myself now.
Screw Bob and his Enzyte. Guys, if you feel like a loser, kill something. Then you're a real man.

and if you know what movie I'm talking about up there, you're alright in my book.
(Idon'tgiveoutbonuspoints)

I apologize for the lack of half-nekkidness. It's all the Sprint Store's fault. Blame them.

Bring me the head of Jiminy Cricket

A plague of crickets has descended on this building. It's driving me insane.
The noise. The noise, noise, noise.
There's a loud mouthed? (legged?) little bastard under the sinkhole by my desk. He won't shut up until I go in there.
I've tried drowning him.
I've tried pouring bleach down the drain.
I've tried
well, that's really all I've tried to do. I've got a lot of shit on my desk.
And a fuckin' headache now.
Thanks, you little grasshopper wannabe reject.

My boss just suggested I put some food near the hole to draw him out. Then step on him when he emerges. I'll try anything at this point.

I'm too old for this shit

The Monday night team remains undefeated, despite the fact that we hit the ball like a bunch of limp-wristed flamers. Both games came down to the final at-bat. Both times someone came through in the clutch and saved the day.

I had an opportunity to be the hero of the first game. If only I'd caught that looong fly ball that bounced off the top of the fence in right.
Instead I ran head-first into the fence, bounced off, looked around, saw the ball lying on the ground, and threw it in. The chain-link fence left a nice imprint on my face.
We won the first game in a come-from-behind effort, since we were the home team.

In the second game I made a sweet diving catch on a short pop-up behind first base. I dove, caught the ball, rolled and came up firing to complete an awesome double play.
We ended up winning that game when our left-fielder made a similar double play to end the 7th inning (we were visitors).

Today I'm definitely paying for. My back hurts, my knees ache, and I've got a nice little strawberry on my elbow. But it was worth it.

It's about damn time, too

Got me a raise today. WooHOO!!!
Sprint PCS Vision can kiss my white ass. The punk at the Sprint Store FINALLY asked if he could help me after standing there for 20 minutes while he flirted with two ugly hookers.
Yeah, your ringtones suck. Help me.
Apparently the problem with my phone is only serviceable by a "technician" and they're all gone for the night. At 7:30.
So I went back today at lunch.
The same prick was standing there taking down names for the waiting list. Fuck that.
I'll go back after work, but I'll be damned if I wait more than 30 minutes while he shows some dumbass hillbilly how to save a phone number.
I need to read my text messages, asshole. Hurry.

I'm actually in a really good mood because of this raise. I had updated my resume and sent it to a few employers on monster, but now I'm not so sure about that.
Anyway, I'm going to the track. It's been a shitty week and I'm about due for a winning evening.
Peace out.