HNT Week 7

So this new blogger images thing is going to make life so much easier. Goodbye, imageshack. You've been a good friend, but all good things must come to an end.
This is another beach pic of me and CJ. She's making a mess of her Tweety Bird ice cream. I'm rather intoxicated and playing with the camera phone.

We won a close game last night. I nearly had a mental collapse in the 2nd inning after walking 4 batters and giving up 9 runs. Then I regained my composure and threw strikes. The team really came through with some great diving catches and crucial hits when they were needed most. In the end we won by 5, beating the only other undefeated team in our league.
I've decided that this amazing win streak is the result of my lucky pair of camouflage shorts. Like any good superstitious ballplayer, I will not wash them until the streak is ended. Maybe never.

Speaking of ballplayers, Kenny Rogers has gone and lost his damn mind. What's the old man's problem? First he punches a cooler, now this. Dude needs to eat a valium or something. Give that man some meds.

Nothing to report

I've been busy. What with work and catching up on all the blogs I read. So I've decided to leave you with some good quotes. Feel free to add your own.

Last night's episode of Family Guy:
"You sick, sick, little moo cow."
"Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner chocolate's made."
"If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Super Troopers (greatest cop movie ever):
"License and registration.... Chickenfucker!!! baa-cawk!"
"What, that little guy? I wouldn't worry about that little guy."
"Just cleaning out the old locker. She stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her. I guess you could say that about all my girls."
"(in an Irish voice) Evil shenanigans!"
"(also in an Irish voice) I'll believe that when me shit turns purple, and smells like rainbow sherbet."

That is all.

You know what this blog needs? The Perfect Cheer!

I'm back. You missed me, didn't you? Tell me that you missed me. I sure missed you.
Do I even have to say what went on in the past 5 days? Of course I do. Here's the rundown:
-Saw Granny in hospital. She's doing fine.
-Caught a mess of crabs down on the bayside.
-Drank beer until the wee hours of the morning.
-Played horseshoes all day (while drinking beer).
-Fished in the surf. (Caught a lot of seaweed).
-Bought the first legal fireworks of the year.
-Popped the fireworks.
-Endured the torturous abuse of a 10-year old, two 6-year olds, and a 4-year old who are hyped up on mass quantities of ice cream. (Hair pulling, head slapping, using me as a jungle gym, etc.)
-Possibly made out with an ex-girlfriend who is currently divorcing her husband, my old friend? (All I know is we woke up in the same bed and both had on very little in the way of clothing).
-Drove said ex-girlfriend's new Dodge up and down the beach.
-Sang along with LukeDuke as he jammed out to Curtis Lowe.
-Spent 2 hours in the Wal-Marts waiting for them to put new shoes on my whip.
-Caught a couple of small bass at my grandparents' house.
-Played golf with my grandfather at 7:45 in the am yesterday. (Shot 93, which is good for me).
-Won last night's softball game with a grand slam.

It was good to be away, but now there is a pile of crap on my desk that needs to be rewritten, approved, signed, or just stashed away.



"LukeDuke (purple hat) in his element."

"Put down that camera, bitch. My ice cream is melting."

Gas to beach - $30.
30-pack of Keystone Light - $15
Bottle of Cuervo Gold - $25
Playing drinking games with your mom - priceless.

My niece (2nd cousin) CJ is the cutest little girl ever, aint she?

Early HNT Submission

Sorry guys. I know this is premature, but I'll be sans internet tomorrow (and the next day and the day after that, and the following day).

Marco-Polo is a dangerous sport.

Granny is doing well. They're going to keep her a few more days just to be safe. I talked to her this morning. She seemed really relaxed and upbeat. I'll stop by and see her tomorrow evening on my way to the beach.

To lighten the mood, I will let you in on an old joke. I enjoy doing this one during those uncomfortable silences at a restaurant. When everyone is looking at the menu and no one knows what to say next. It goes like this:
Pick up the salt shaker in your left hand.
Pick up a knife in your right hand.
Put the knife next to the salt shaker. (Imaging the shaker is a man and the knife is his sword)
Ask the closest person, "Do you know what this is?"
When they reply, you say, "It's assault with a deadly weapon."
Get it? A salt. Assault. Yeah, I'm a dork.

Today is Willie Wednesday on 95.9 the Ranch. Log on and listen to the Redheaded Stranger all day long. I will.

Popped my audioblog cherry

2 more days...

Several things to talk about today.

First, Granny went to the hospital last night. She just got back from Colorado and has been having trouble breathing. The doctors think it may be a blood clot or bronchitis. She's doing much better this morning, so it's probably not that serious.
We almost lost her about 3 years ago. She was very sick with the pneumonia and spent 2 weeks in ICU. I was still in college so I cut classes and went to visit her. She looked terrible, but told me to pray for her. I did a lot of praying yesterday.

My mom and stepdad went to the beach Sunday without me. That night some punks took the golf cart for a joyride and left it on the beach. They also stole the radio out of it. Sucks, but at least it still works.

And now there are two more Sport trucks in my apartment complex.



Both the Monday and Wednesday (formerly Thursday) night softball teams are undefeated. We won a very close game last night. It went into extra innings and everything. In the end it was the play of a certain rightfielder that made the difference. Man, that kid is good.

3 days...

I made it back in one piece and brought a few things with me:
-LukeDuke's little sister (let's call her Red, she's staying with us a few days).
-A big nasty scab on the bridge of my nose. (Never play Marco-Polo when you're shitcanned).
-2 guitars and an amp (I'm learning so I can serenade you later).
-A muddy cooler full of warm beer, beef jerk, my favorite koozie, and a bag of hot fries.
-Fond memories of the BBQ crabs and laughs shared with my dad (awwww).
-A burning desire to leave this desk ASAP and haul ass to the beach.

I'll be here until Thursday morning (gotta play softball Wednesday night), posting random shit as usual. After that I'll be out again for a few days. Get your licks in while you can.

Like a fart in a hurricane...

I'm gone. Gonna drink (imagine that) and canoe down the creek.
Be back Sunday night. Will work 3 days and return to the beach for 5. A much-needed vacation, but lots of driving involved.
Be good. Go see Cross Canadian Ragweed tonight at the horsetrack for me.

There's my sign

I have a problem. I'm a garage sale addict. It's that time of year and the Garage Sale signs are popping up everywhere. But that's not the kind of sign I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the kind of sign Bill Engvall has made his fortune talking about. You know Bill, that "Here's your sign" guy from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. The redneck stand-up guy. That one.
This is my "Here's your sign" moment:
It happened to me this weekend. I was walking to the pool at my friend KB's apartment complex and saw a guy having a garage sale. There was a sweet Zebco over there so I walked up and said, "Havin' a garage sale?".
Without missing a beat, he says, "Nope. I just like to put all my stuff out here for all the neighbors to see."
And there's my sign.

Costanza School of Business

If I've learned anything from Seinfeld, it's to always leave on a high note.
Here's a conversation I recently had upon interrupting a meeting between a sales rep and some upper management guys here at work.

Me: SalesRep, I'm Darrel. My boss asked me to drop off our business cards so you'd have some contact info for us here.
SalesRep: Okay, great. And what do you do here, Darrel?
Me: I'm a technician.
SalesRep: Oh yeah? My son does that over at [internet edit]. He manages 4 people over there.
Me: Yeah, I manage over here, too. I manage to deal with these guys. (pointing at upper management in the room)
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

.... and I'm out.
Finish on a high note and always leave 'em wanting more.

How do you walk?

I have 16 pound balls. I got them from an old man who couldn't use them anymore. He's had back problems lately and they are just too heavy for him.
They fit me nicely, though. Feel good in my hand, with a nice color.
They're practically new. The old man said his wife didn't let him use them much anymore.
I practically stole them for $2 a piece.
Can't wait to try them out.

HNT Nipple Shot

There it is. My left nipple (and all the manly chest hair that goes with it).

Sorry, CL. I had to do it. Now it's your turn... :)

Question

Is it too unprofessional/redneck if you tell a co-worker, "Just holler at me" when you mean for them to page you over the intercom?

How was your weekend?

It was great. Very relaxing. The weather was good. Beers were cold. Females were out and about. Steaks were just a little too done for my taste, but what're ya gonna do? Not complain that's for sure.

Lost some money at the horsetrack Friday, but got a respectable buzz from the $1.75 Amstel Lights. Heineken Party at the Park is my new favorite thing to do on Friday nights. Live music under the pavilion, gambling, and hot women all over the place. Good times. Good times, indeed.
Saturday was a gorgeous day for hanging at KB's pool, cooking and drinking some cold adult beverages. A few old flames showed up. It was good to see the better parts of them without dealing with their "issues". The pool is so effin' nice. I want to live there.
Then I went to Fox & Hound to watch the Tyson fight. It was stupid. KB's girl tried to hook me up with her fat girlfriend. No, thanks. I left early.
Sunday I went to church with LukeDuke and his aunt's family. They treated us to an awesome dinner of pot roast and mashed potatoes with all the fixins. Then I borrowed "Are We There Yet?" from my neighbor. It was pretty good, but very predictable. A couple of good laughs in there. Don't expect much and you won't be disappointed.

So that's what I did this weekend. Posting will probably be light for the next week or two, unless something really interesting comes up. I'll be going on vacation and staying busy with work and softball.

Oh, the new neighbor girl is apparently very hot. LukeDuke saw her come home from the club Saturday night and said she was FINE. Big butt.
I'll have to see for myself.
I also gave the dog a haircut last night. The initial intention was to cut the hair out of his good eye. Then the scissor happiness took over. Now he looks all scrappy and redneck. I'll try to post pics later.
Be good.

To bet or not to bet...

I have a feeling it's going to be one of those hazy/lazy drunken weekends in which I'll find myself sitting at some smoky bar with a few friends, singing along to some good country music and drowning my sorrows simply because they 'need killin'.
That or I'll go to the track and hit it big. Then it'll be off to the titty bar.
Or I'll go ride my bike down by the Trinity River.
Not sure which yet, but I'm leaning towards the gambling idea at the moment. I'm about due for a nice payout.
I could probably squeeze all of these things into the next two days of freedom, but that would require a lot of effort and money. Effort and money I just don't have at the moment.

Also, there's the LukeDuke situation to think of. He's been crashing on the couch the last 3 nights. Maybe I'll take him down to the Stockyards and see what kind of trouble we can get into.

Alright, I'm spent. This has been a long week and my finger hurts like a sumbitch. Have a nice weekend. GO SPURS!!

Tickets!! Get your tickets...

....to the gun show. HA!!!!!!

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!
Wanted to get this over with early today so Os doesn't scold me.
Stop staring at me. Go see some fine female booty, over at Rachel's site.

Sporty McSportsterson

Now I never claimed to be a marketing/advertising genius or anything (I'm a science nerd). But it seems to me that you can put the word Sport on nearly any product and guys will buy that shit. Case in point. There are about 4 vehicles in my apartment complex that have a Sport decal affixed to them. 4 regualr old slow-ass trucks & SUVs. Like this one.

Mak already let them know what he thinks of the sporty SUV.

And this one is just redundant.

Notice the lone wolf sticker in the back window. Vatos locos, homes.

Maybe if you say it twice, the car will magically go faster.
What's up with that?
I'm going to write Sport on my cooler. Maybe then it'll roll faster when I take it to the beach.

In other news, I almost died on my way back from KFC. It's $1.99 Chicken Fried Steak Day, so as I pulled out (hehe) of the Colonel's restaurant this fuckstick starts veering towards my Saturn. He's slamming on the brakes and looking the other way, but still steadily coming towards me. I'm laying on the horn when he finally stops about 3 inches from the front of my car.
Then he looks at me LIKE IT'S MY FAULT. Idiot!

A squatter

LukeDuke displays the fresh roadkill. An eventful night on PanAm road.
One of my oldest and bestest friends is coming up here today. He's gonna stay on the couch for a week or so. Maybe more.
Let's call him LukeDuke because he use to have long hair and resembles one of the Duke boys from Hazzard county. With a thick Texas drawl. If you ever heard me talk, you'd say I have a thick accent. My accent is about a 7, where he is definitely a 9 or better.
He is my best friend's first cousin. We all grew up together in a little shithole town. Played basketball, got drunk, did drugs, and basically raised hell in our teenage years.
While I moved on and got the fuck out of there, he stayed behind. The crowd we use to run with has moved on to harder and more dangerous drugs. He got caught up in it. Now it's time to make a move. He needs a place to go and be away from that crowd.
When I got the call on Saturday evening, it sounded like he was on the verge of losing it. He didn't want to get into specifics about the troubles. We've been in contact enough recently for me to know that it isn't good. He could be in big trouble if he stays down there much longer.
So that's what's going on with me today.
Also, I got two new neighbors over the weekend. One is a very plump Mexican girl with a tiny little long-haired chihuahua. She moved in next door to me.
The other is a cute single mother who moved into Shaky Dennis's old apartment.

Apologies are in order

I feel it is necessary to publicly apologize to all those who visited this site in the last week. Some of you may have noticed that there was a pretty shitty video on here. It wasn't suppose to be.
I know you were thinking, "Darrel's a pretty cool guy. He likes good music, sports, beer, and big titties", only to see that there was a GODDMAN BACKSTREET BOYS video on here.
I don't know how in the hell it got there. The Belldoorlover tried pointing it out to me, but I dismissed it as one of her drunken hallucinations. I am most apologetic to her. Sorry, C.
In my defense, the correct video was playing when I read her comments. It was very strange.
In all likelihood, this was a mistake by www.musicvideocodes.com , the site I use to get music video codes (as the name implies).
For some strange reason they have decided that "Helena" by My Chemical Romance should be replaced with "We're a bunch of push-button-music lyp-synchin' ass maggott queerbait cum-guzzlers" by the Backstreet Boys.
I have already sent numerous e-mails to musicvideocodes.com since discovering this painfully embarassing mistake. No response yet. I'll keep you posted.
And once again, I'm sorry. So sorry.

Uncooperative piece of shit

If you've been paying attention (all 5 of you), then you'll know that the wonderful Miss Cindy Lou and I are trading mix CDs this week.
I've been known to make some badass mixes before, but this one was just too cool. I'm tryin' to be humble here, but I gotta be honest.
This is seriously the conversation I had with my computer after CL's CD finished burning.

Me: Alright! this rocks. let's play it
Computer: Dude, that was the greatest. Got a smoke?
Me: You can't smoke in here, man.
Computer: I'm not listening to you anymore. That was so completely awesome that I think there will never be anything to top it.
Me: what do you mean?
Computer: I mean, that's it. i'm done. no more.....
Me: ......
Computer: [blue screen of death]
Me: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, my computer went on the blink and hasn't fully recovered. I wanted to make a copy of the CD for my own private use, but that is out of the question. I'm posting this from work, so the home computer won't know what's going on. But I think I'm gonna have to buy a new one pretty soon..... either that or reboot and lose all my shit on the old one. Sucks.

In case you were wondering...

Here's a list of some things you may or may not know about your Other Brother Darrel.

First, my family:
-My mom and dad are like yin and yang. He's artistic, lazy, and introverted. She's outgoing, fun, and energetic.
-My folks split up when I was 14. It was difficult and all, but I just took my agressions out on the football field with me. It was a great way to vent.
-My dad has held several jobs. He was a: Gate Supervisor, Concrete Truck Driver, Oilfield hand, Ironworker, Glazier, and is currently an Aspiring Christian Musician. He has an old hippy mullet and a bad back. He eats lots of pain pills and plays guitars all day. My hero. He was recently remarried to a superb woman who takes excellent care of him.
-My mom had me at 17, worked two jobs and went to school while I was very young, got her college degree, went back and got her masters, had a second child 20 years after me, and is now a principal. When she sits down, she is constantly pumping her leg on the balls of her feet. She's been remarried for about 7 years now. My stepdad is great.

My mom and passed out little brother.

-My PawPaw (dad's side) worked at an oil company for 36 years. He retired in 1997. At 75 years old, he still waterskis every day. He can be very critical and stubborn, but I would not be where I am without him.

My PawPaw is completely out of his element here.

-My Granny (dad's side) has never held a regular wage-earning job in her life. She is the greatest cook ever, and doesn't use recipes. "A pinch of this and a little of that, cook it until it's done". She's also the most spiritual person I know. Prayer is a very powerful thing.

My Granny and my dad's wife.

-My PawPaw Bill (mom's side) worked as a draftsman for a steel company most of his life. He once wrote a memoir about his life. It was mostly about working. He's got Alzheimers now and barely remembers me. I have never heard him say a curse word, or anything bad about another person.
-My MeeMaw Dot (mom's side) died from lung cancer when I was 4 . She smoked a lot. Probably why I don't.


Now the important part, me:
-I have had a total of 37 stitches in my life. 37 is a good number. I don't need any more stitches.
-I was the salutatorian of my high school class.
-I once scored a basket for the other team in a JV basketball game because I was a stupid pothead.
-I lost my virginity at 14 and regret that it wasn't with someone special to me.
-I bite my fingernails.
-I procrastinate until the last minute, then bust my ass to get things done.
-I spend way too much money for what I make.
-I was in love twice. Both times it was me who walked away, only to realize when it was too late that I'd made a mistake.
-I have been to jail 4 times. Once for drinking and driving and three times for being in the wrong place at the wrong time (hanging with the wrong crowd).
-I am loyal to a fault. My friends are my friends no matter what they do or what anyone else thinks of them.
-I have said enough for now.

Like a Grizzly

I'm running low on ideas for this Half-Nekkid Thursday thing. There are probably only a few pieces of me most would care to see.
Here's the leg.

Hairy, isn't it? I got it honest.
My family reunions look like a gathering of poorly shaved apes.

Kickass band, kickass song

There's a new video on here now. It's My Chemical Romance - I'm not okay. I jam this one on the way to softball games and before I work out. Gets the blood pumpin'.