Good riddance

The downstairs neighbor has moved out. Remember him? The asshole vacuum cleaner salesman with only one good shirt (X-Men button-up, classy). He couldn't remember my name and liked to take up two parking spaces with his creepy blue child molester van, causing someone to pour a small Wendy's frosty down the side of it.
I wonder who would do something like that?

Boats, beers, BWIs, and blackouts

What a great weekend. It rained, then it was sunny, then a freakin' monsoon came, then it was sunny again, and finally it rained some more.
I got to the lake Friday afternoon before my mom and stepdad. The landlord for our cabin met me in the driveway. He's an anal prick. Dickhead asshole. I don't like him much. Mainly because he told me my dog couldn't stay there.
Nice to know that now that I've driven 4 hours and spent bookoo dolla for fishing gear, license, and cases of beer.
So I drove around and looked for relatives or friends who would keep my stinky little dog. No such luck. Then I got drunk. Real drunk. And I cursed the bastard landlord and his entire family for all they were worth. From a safe distance, of course. I decided the best course of action was to keep Mak with me and hide him in my duffle bag. It worked.
My mom got drunk with us. Really drunk. It was great. I always wait until she's shitcanned to tell her stories from my youth. The stories she doesn't want to and should never really hear. Thankfully, she never remembers them. I just like her reactions. They're priceless.
Then she puked in the sink and passed out. I love my mom. She doesn't remember a thing.

That was Friday. Saturday was a beautiful day. Sand, sun, beers, and boats. Memorial Day weekend is a big time down on Lake Sam Rayburn. My stepdad cracked open the first beer of the day at 9:45 in the AM. It was all downhill from there.
In the late afternoo, I drove a jetski into the aforementioned monsoon. It was dangerously entertaining.
Later, the guy who let me borrow his jetski would be arrested for BWI (Boating While Intoxicated). He was busted because there was a cooler full of beer strapped to the front of his Waverunner. Apparently the cops don't like that. Who knew?

When the monsoon tore into our little campground, I was sitting in a 20' X 12' metal building with two beautiful women and my dog. Then the lights went out. For 2 hours.
There is a God and he/she loves me very much.

Some friends of mine had towed a pontoon boat down to the lake for another friend, Jack. Jack was suppose to meet us Saturday evening. He never showed up. Not a big deal.
We'll just tie the boat up and wait out the storm, right?
Wrong. No one tied the boat up and the storm blew the boat away. Away from our camp. To God knows where.

So the better part of Sunday was spent searching the lake for the missing pontoon boat. Sam Rayburn is a huge lake. Massive. Hours of searching and gallons of gas later, someone noticed the missing boat hidden behind some bushes not 300 yards from the camp. How did we miss it? I don't have the foggiest idea, but thank the good Lord we found it before Jack knew it was gone.

Then we went to watch the boats race at Sandy Creek. That's where the Coondog Punch was being served. Also the same place where my recollection of Sunday's events ends.
I awoke this morning with a mouthful of BBQ sunflower seeds in my mouth, a half-empty Lone Star in my hand, and a smoldering Black and Mild on the porch beside me. I guess I had a good time.

Now I have to go play softball. I must admit that life is good and I love my friends and family. As long as I keep hanging with these people, I'll have plenty of stories to tell you guys.
And a big thank you to all the brave men and women who've served this country in the military. It's because of them that I can act like a retard and get away with it. God Bless the USA.

Also, we never once went fishing on this trip. After realizing this, I walked down to the water and made a few casts. Not a bite. Not a nibble. Glad I spent $40 on the fishing license.

gone fishin'

Have a good one.
Watch out for cops and wear your seatbelt.

I made it to the top

This is the #1 site on google for "ass wiping frog". YES!!!
All that incessant babbling about the ass wiping frog has finally paid off.
To ensure that I'll remain the #1 reference for everything ass wiping frog, I will now do the only logical thing.

ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog ass wiping frog

Not that kind of site

It's that time again. Half-Nekkid Thursday is here. Check out my clean-cut chin. Got rid of the goatee.


People have visited this site by doing a google search for "Brother Fuck Brother". WTF?
For all you incestuous butt pirates out there, this site is not about that sort of thing. Not that there's anything wrong - wait I mean, yes THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT! There's a whole lot of shit wrong with that. Don't do that!
Repent. Change. Go to church, heathen.
Just don't come back here.

A quick one

How does every racial joke ever told start?
With a quick glance over the shoulder.

Believe the Hype

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is an awesome movie. I don't give a flying fuck what anybody else says. That movie was good right there. Maybe even the best in the series.
I know, I'm a big dork. But man! I got a little emotional. A little too involved, maybe.
Go see it. Go quickly.

There is no substitute for hard work. - Thomas Edison

I have friends who graduated college without ever working a day in their lives. I do not understand this. I've held a steady job since the day I turned 16 and had to buy gas for my gas guzzling '84 Chevy Silverado. Before reaching the legal working age, I also held several odd jobs to make money for fireworks and video games. If I were to update my resume today (which I'm considering) and include a complete work history it would take about 5 pages. That's assuming I could remember all the names, dates, and addresses of places I worked.

10 - 16: Odd Jobs - Picked blueberries, mowed yards, raked leaves, killed crows, shelled peas, split firewood, massaged shoulders, bussed tables, pulled weeds, etc.
16-17: Grocery store bitch - sacked, stocked, swept, mopped, and crashed the shopping carts (1.5 years)
17: Pizza boy at convenience store - cooked pizzas, ate pizzas, drank free sodas, and sat on my ass (3 months)
17-18: Boring rig operator - woke up early, rode in truck, dug holes, bored holes, ran cable, cursed, swore, sweated, and got a nice tan (3 months in summer).
18: Landscape technician - pushed lawnmower, trimmed hedges, ran weedeater, and got a nice tan (6 months).
18-20: Assistant warehouse manager for beer company - drove forklift, loaded pallets, counted beers, drank beers, destroyed beers, delivered beers, amazed friends by showing them the mountains of beers, and played home run derby with balls of cellophane. (2 years)
20: Flower delivery guy - delivered flowers and smoked too much pot. (4 months)
20-21: Short order cook at bowling alley - flipped burgers, fried stuff, served drinks, got fat, made a damn good quesadilla, and bowled almost every day. (6 months)
21-22: Desk clerk at bowling alley - sprayed shoes, handed out shoes, counted shoes, stopped people from stealing shoes, sold socks, counted money, bowled more, and got drunk at work. (1 year)
22-23: Bartender - served drinks, got drunk, got phone numbers, and counted money (The best year of my life).
23 - 24: Sheet metal worker - woke up early, rode in truck, cursed, swore, hurt myself, sweated, laughed, installed air ducts, went to Mexico, got drunk, learned a little spanish, and took long lunches. (2 months)
24: Sales representative telecom - bullshitted with people, drove around, knocked on doors, introduced myself, got yelled at, bothered people, hated life, and felt like a sleazy salesman. (6 months)
25: Process technician - sample things, watch things, write stuff, tell people what to do, get told what to do, attend boring meetings, rub temples, curse, swear, sit in AC, and watch the clock. (10 months and counting).

The Spurs left Phoenix with a 2-0 lead in the series and the next two games are in San Antonio. I predicted Spurs in 5, but it may well end up being a clean sweep. Get out the brooms.

Weekend Recap

I lost 30 bucks at the horsetrack Friday. It's okay, though. Only ended up spending about $40 total, because Amstel Lights were $1.75.
I would've won close to 50, but another longshot ruined my superfecta.
I suck at picking the ponies. I suck at gambling all together. I even lose a partypoker.com.

I hit some garage sales Saturday morning, while rounding up supplies for a BBQ. Got a sweet Busch belt buckle ($1.00), a Dean Koontz paperback (Watchers $0.10), a Richard Bachman hardcover (The Regulators $0.50), an old Trivial Pursuit game ($1.00) and a pair of Carhardt overalls ($2.00). Then I spent the day at a friend's pool, drinking beers and cooking steaks. The sun was fierce. I refused to wear any sunscreen, so now I'm burned. Should have a nice tan in a few days, though.

The big bicycle race was scheduled for Sunday afternoon. I picked out a park and called the Belldoorlover to schedule a time. After some hemming and a little hawing, she came up with an excuse. "I have a flat", she says. Not sure if this is true, but it would be a very lame excuse to use. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on this one.
Anyway. With no one to ride with, I decided to start reading one of the books I'd purchased.
The Regulators is a novel by Richard Bachman (Stephen King) that ties in somewhat with the Dark Tower series. I'm nearly half-way through it now. It's good. That's all I can really say about it. I find that people either love King's novels or hate them. I am a Constant Reader of his works.

So that's how the weekend went. It was too short, but still refreshing.
Work sucks. Wish I'd win the lottery or something.
Oh well. Memorial Day weekend is coming up and I'll be at Rayburn with some good friends and family. Can't wait.

Oh yeah, the Mavs lost the series to Phoenix. Then Phoenix got their asses kicked by San Antonio. It'll be a short series. Spurs in 5, maybe 6.
That is all.

Saturday night stand-up

This ethnic joke from SNL was so good, I thought you should hear it.

What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?
The harder you hit it, the more English it picks up.

HA! That's funny right there.
I got another one.

What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes?
A pilot, you fuckin' racist.

Let's see if I can offend everyone.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She's already been told twice.

What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up in the morning?
Goes home.

This drunk guy walks up to a barfly and whispers in her ear, "I sure would like a little pussy."
She leans over and whispers back, "Me too, mine's big as a hat."

That's my time. Enjoy the veal and be sure to tip your waitress.

Ahh fuck it, Dude...

It was stupid crazy this morning at work. I was ready to throw things and punch people. When I finally got a chance to look up, it was past 1:00.
Management has since left for the weekend. Now it is quiet and peaceful, but there's still a pile of paperwork on my desk.
Fuck it. It can wait.
I'm leavin' early and headin' to the track.

Gonna get my gamble on and drink some cheap beers.
I suggest you do the same. Have a good one.

Half-Nekkid Thursday

Apparently we are going to start a new thing around here. It's called Half-Nekkid Thursdays. Rachel posted her feet and Os posted his blistered heel.
In keeping with this theme I will now reveal to the world ------
THE SCAR (not that scar. That would be pornish)
That's it just to the right of my eyeball.
I got this attractive little bugger from a drunken frat boy who likes to hit people and run away. You know who you are. I owe you one, asshole.
This one took 7 stitches to fix.

I'm not bitter..... yet

So the Mavs lost to Phoenix last night. It's a 3-2 lead for the Suns, but Game 6 is in Dallas. The Mavericks' inability to play defense in the paint may well end up being their downfall. I mean, Steve Nash is like 6 feet tall and weighs a buck-o-five or something.
Slap his shit into the stands, Dampier!!!!!
I have a pre-game preparations ritual I'd like Avery Johnson to try out for Game 6.
About 2 hours before game time he should lock Dampier in a large travel cage. You know, the kind used to transport Mastiffs and Rottweilers. Then let everyone on the team take turns poking him with a stick. While all this is going on, play a loop of Shaq and Dirk's negative comments in the background.
About 30 minutes before tipoff, have a beligerently drunken Don Nelson come into the locker room and kick him in the junk. Then AJ should lead him onto the court by his ear.
I mean, piss the guy off. Motivation. That is going to be the key to winning it all.
Oh, and keeping the Suns from poking Dirk in they eye. CHEATERS!!!!

Boob tube

I'm drawn to the Wednesday night Fox lineup like a moth to a porch light. I have no control over it.
They get me all worked up with That 70's Show (which I have always loved and is probably ending, damnit).
Then it's time for the American Idol results show. I usually cook dinner and listen from the kitchen. The only good part is the end when they kick off the losers (Constantine is a faggot-ass poser).
So it's downt to Carrie and Bo. If you didn't see this coming, you probably wear a crash helmet on a daily basis and are easily distracted by shiny objects.
But the worst is Pam's new show, Stacked.
It's not even very good. But, damn it's hard to turn away. Pam has the prettiest titties I've ever laid eyes upon. Even if she is diseased and stupid.
I can't turn away.... like a deer in headlights.
Big, silicone headlights.

All I want for Christmas

Daaaammnn!!
The new PS3 is a bad mo'fo.
Gonna get me one of them. That sumbitch is tight.

Don't call it a comeback

109-119. Game 5 Wednesday in Phoenix. Series tied 2-2.


GO MAVS!!!

What the hell is a rant?

My faith in the intelligence of the human race lessens every time some goofy pudwacker sends me an e-mail claiming Bill Gates/Microsoft/Intel/AOL are going to pay me tons of cash just for forwarding the e-mail on to 10 more people.
Two words.
Chain letter
Stop blowing up my inbox with your junior high garbage. I tried it back in 98 and never saw a penny from Bill Gates.
There is no e-mail beta program. If you'd like to track your e-mails, I'm sure the nice people at the Effa Bee Eye can be of assistance with that.

Use to be that I didn't have a lot of my friends' email addresses. Now I've found it's the easiest way to keep in touch without actually picking up the phone and listening to their crap.
What pisses me off is when I pass on a funny e-mail to one friend, then they turn around and send it to another mutual friend, who turns right around and sends it back to me.
Look at the damn thing before you send it, OKAY!?
There's a list of the previous senders and receivers located right at the freakin' top.

And will someone please tell the unoriginal bastards in Hollywood to knock it off already. I wasn't that pissed when they made the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie. I held my tongue when they made Masters of the Universe. But now they have gone too far.
The Dukes of Hazzard is sacred ground. It's taboo, damnit.
Knoxville and Stifler as Bo and Luke Duke?! The dumbest blonde EVER as Daisy?
At least they got Uncle Jessie's character right. Willie is the MAN.
I wasn't sure of it before but now I'm sure of it, the apocalypse is definitely upon us. Repent while there's time.

Okay, I feel better now.

Magical Fruit

There will be no more talk of Thursday night softball here. None.
Monday night is still open for comment, but Thursday night is dead to me. Dead.

I've been tinkering in the kitchen again.
We had a potluck lunch today at work. I was originally planning on making salsa, but there was a lack of meat dishes on the menu.
So I pulled out some pork chops my dad gave me last fall. He killed a wild hog that was rooting up his backyard.
Then I soaked some pinto beans for a few hours and chopped up an onion. Added a little cilantro and grilled the chops on the George Foreman.
I seasoned and cooked the beans in a Crock Pot for about 2 hours, added the pork and a sliced jalapeno, then set the pot on low overnight.
The result was pretty good, but the beans were still a little harder than I wanted.

Step up and grow a pair

Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks showed signs of life last night in Phoenix. After being written off by nearly everyone (I'm lookin' at you), the Mavs slowed down the Suns fast-paced offense and pulled out a win in dramatic fashion. Responding to negative comments from Dirk, Erik Dampier scored early and played strong defense in the paint.
After numerous lead changes, Nowitizki hit the game-winning shot with 6 seconds left to seal the much needed road victory for Dallas.

To all those doubters out there, I say this

It aint over til it's over

Also, I realized something last night. If someone made a show with Pamela Anderson, a monkey, and a midget, I would watch it all the time. It would probably be my favorite show.
The entire male demographic would tune in. Well, the straight male demographic. And the butch.

I'm Not O-fuckin-kay

Our regular receptionist has been out for a few months after having a baby. She came back Monday morning. The temp receptionist is now in my department trying to help out. She's pleasant and funny, but knows nearly nothing about this stuff. I am probably the world's worst teacher.
Bad teacher + ignorant student = headache

I made a badass CD last week. It only contains songs from 2 bands, but they're awesome.
The Killers - Hot Fuss
My Chemical Romance - Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge
I play it so much it'll probably wear out pretty soon.

10, 2, and 4

Please excuse my arrogance today. I'm pissed because my teams are losing big. BIG.

I'm going to let all you foreigners, non-Texans, and yankee bastards in on another of the many things Texas has that you don't. You should already be extremely jealous of us because Texas has:
no state income tax
the Willie Nelson 4th of July Picnic
Shiner Bock
Zeigenbock
the Dallas Cowboys
a flag that flies at the same height as the US flag
The Alamo
the death penalty
and so on and so on.

Just one more great thing about Texas is this -

DUBLIN DR. PEPPER
Not just any old Dr. Pepper, a Dublin Dr. Pepper is made from Imperial Pure Cane Sugar. Not from high fructose corn syrup, like most sodas in the grocery store.
This makes for a much sweeter DP.
Use to be, the only place you could get one was in Dublin, Texas, which is about 2 hours southwest of Fort Worth. The Dublin Dr. Pepper Bottling Company is the oldest Dr. Pepper bottling facility in the world. I use to stop by and pick up a few cases every time I headed down to the deer camp.
Nowadays, Chicken Express has Dublin DP as a soda option. I love it. There is a Chicken Express next to the 7-11 by my apartment. It's great.

So now you know another great thing about Texas.

If they don't want me to eat the dental floss, why do they make it mint flavored?

The party was as far off the chain as I'd imagined it would be. I arrived early (1 pm) to help set up (tap the keg). There were about 20 or so people who showed up. The keg lasted until right after the Mavs game (a blowout). Then another beerrun was made. In total, we finished a keg of Bud Light, 3 Keystone Light 30-packs, a 1.75L bottle of Jager, and a .75L bottle of Patron. I finally crashed sometime around 4 am. Yep, still got it. My liver hates me.

New episodes of The Family Guy are coming on Sundays. It really is the greatest show ever. Hands down. No lie.
Last night when Stewey pulled the dental floss out of Brian's ass, I laughed until Budweiser came out my nose. Funny stuff.

I've stumbled across an awesome blog recently. It's a photo journal of a kayaking expedition in British Columbia. Mosley Creek to be exact. It's a good read, but cuts short at the end. I wonder what happened on the last days. There are a ton of pics, so loading the page may take awhile.

Big Dumb Animals

We got our asses handed to us last night in softball. We scored 3 runs. Only because the other team's right fielder was a stubby little oompa loompa. Then we celebrated the Cinco-th at Gators and watched the Mavs choke.
In the 4th quarter, the Rockets couldn't miss and the Mavs couldn't buy a bucket. The loss forces a Game 7 Saturday night in Dallas.
Saturday is my oldest friend's wedding shower/pool party celebration thing. It's gonna be off tha chain. Big BBQ pit, pool, bikinis, a KEG, and a basketball game. Damn I can't wait.

...Another One Bites the Dust

The oddball quit this morning. Hayzoos Kreesto, we can't keep anyone working around here. At least I don't have to act all professional and stuff anymore. I love having my own big office.

Haiku for you

Mom
Birth to me you gave.
On this, the Fourth of May, have
a Happy Birthday

Candi
Drinking in public
while on probation may have
got you put away

Luckyspinster
Lulu Fabulous.
now there's an appropriate
name for a great play

Latigo Flint
The quickest quickdraw
in the world was born too late.
Dreams a girl kills him.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
Steve writes posts that are
descriptive, funny, and true.
Cubs will never win.

Belldoorlover
Allergic to much,
she dances like a stripper.
Falls like a giraffe.

Blog Ho
Writes of vaginas
and makes me giggle out loud.
He is funny. RAR.

Rachel
Lives in Montana
and works outside on the phone.
Damn, are yall hiring?

Toren
She is a redneck,
says, "Petey get your helmet!",
and loves chili dogs.

Ol' Hoss
From the Old Folks Home,
determined to make a pile,
don't call it a blog.

Boobs, Injuries, and Dr Pepper
She's somewhat insane
and has ginormous boobies.
Always speaks her mind.

One Down...

We've lost the first of our 2 new hires. The normal one decided this wasn't the job for her. She made it all of one day. Can't say I blame her. It must seem like an overwhelming amount of work to catch up on. No one has actively held that position since the turn of the century.
It leaves me stuck with the oddball. She wears coloful socks with her dress shoes. Colorful socks with flowers stitched into them. Weird.

New song - "Vitamin R" Chevelle

Hybrid Sports Theory

We've hired 2 new employees for my department. They are both smart, unattractive, older women. Really unattractive. Much older. No eye candy for Darrel. One seems pretty normal. The other one, not so much...
She is odd, to say the least. Seems to know what she's doing, though.
So now I have to share my office with womenfolk.
No more farting out loud and laughing.
No more mid-day Pantera.
No more nose picking.
No more practicing the golf swing.

In other news, the Mavs won! We played a tripleheader last night, so I didn't actually get to watch the game. I did use my cell phone to check the score, though. Good job, Mavs.

While walking the dog last night, I stopped to watch some Mexicans playing soccer at the tennis court. There were about a dozen guys out there. No net or boundary lines. Just two white shirts tied to opposite ends of the court representing their goals. It was about 11:00 on a Monday night, 55 degrees.
It caused me to ponder this question - "Where would we be without sport?"
What would we do if the world's collective memory of any physical organized competition was suddenly erased?
If nobody knew about baseball, football, basketball, hockey, golf, etc., etc., what new games would we invent?
Would we even bother? Of course we would. It's only natural to compete.
But I wonder what sports would reappear relatively unchanged, and which would be radically different.
Would dodgeball and baseball combine so that hitting an opposing player on his way to a base was considered an out? (This is how we played growing up.)
Would golf require the presence of a goalie near the hole. (That'd sure make it more interesting to watch.)
All these thought ran through my head while watching the improvised soccer match. Then my dog took a poop and I went inside and slept.

DFW Sportstalk

Okay, I've figured out that the Statcounter is an amazing tool.
I've had 4 hits since Friday from someone doing a Google search for "ass wiping frog".
I'm also seeing an increase in traffic because the Luckyspinster gave me a shoutout. Thank you, Callie.

It has been a good weekend for sports fans in DFW.
The Mavs evened the series with Houston at 2 games, thanks in large part to some clutch jumpers by Michael Finley. Marquis Daniel also made an outstanding defensive play to seal the victory. The Mavs return home to the AAC tonight for Game 5.
The Cowboys completed their rookie mini-camp. Defensive players Ware and Spears looked good, while surprise pick Canty worked on rehabbing his knee. The 'Boys also signed veteran Pro-Bowl cornerback Aaron Glenn this weekend, a day after he was released by the Texans.
The Desperadoes lost yesterday and continue to struggle to stay atop their division.
The Rangers won one of three at home to Boston, and travel to Oakland today for a 3-game series.

Thank you, that is all.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes

I may have a gambling problem. The problem? I always lose.
Star woke me at 11:30 this morning with the bright idea of heading to the horsetrack. I had about 50 bucks to spend until payday this Friday.
What the hell, right? Turn that 50 into 150. That was the plan, anyway.
Never works out that way. I was up, then down, then down more, then up a little bit. I had this great trifecta box worked out for the fourth race - 10, 9, 7.
Somewhere in the deep dark crevices of my intuition a voice spoke up, "That 45-1 shot with the female jockey sure ran a fast race at this length the last time."
I should've bet on the long shot. That bitch totally screwed my trifecta. The finish was 6(longshot), 10, 9, 7. If I'd bet win, place, or show on her I would've been up about 150.
Maybe I should've just went to church instead.

And Spencer's drunk ass broke his leg trying to jump a fence last weekend. He's laid up in Irving, eating pills and being waited on hand and foot. The lucky bastard.